Police...

7pm... knock at the door, not a ring of the buzzer... a knock on my front door. I open the door and there are two policeman standing there.

Policeman #1: We're doing door to door enquiries, do you mind if we ask you some questions?

Me [thinking]: Shit fuck bollocks... my flat is a total friggin bombsite and they want to actually come in?! Shit fuck bollocks some more.

Me: Um... sure... can you give me two minutes?

*shuts door in faces*
*races round living room clearing space on sofa hides incriminating evidence*
*opens door*

Me: Sorry about that... come in, have a seat.

*considers offering tea, decides against... no milk*

Policeman #1: So you know about the recent murder?

Me: Um... no, which murder?

*stares blankly*
*makes mental note to read more newspapers*

Policeman #1: The one up on Willowbrae? A shooting?

Me: Oh yes... I did hear about that. How can I help?

Policeman #1: Well if I can just take some details and then my colleague will ask you some questions.

Me: Sure, no problem.

Policeman #1: What's your name?

Me: replies...

Policeman #1: What's your phone number?

Me: replies...

Policeman #1: What's your occupation?

Me: replies...

Policeman #1: Do you remember where you were on Saturday 25th May?

Me: I haven't a clue, that was like three weeks ago but I keep a journal so I can actually tell you exactly what I was doing.

*looks up relevant blip*

Me: Ah yes, I was in Broughty Ferry for the weekend.

Policeman #1: Okay... my colleague will ask some more questions.

Me: Okay.

Policeman #2: What's your phone number?

Me: *scratches head* Are you asking for a date or will the same number I gave him do?

Policeman #2: *blushes* Oh yes... sorry. On Saturday 25th May, where were you between the hours of 6pm and 11pm?

Me: I was with FilthyTwitcher in Broughty Ferry, most likely halfway through a bottle of wine.

Policeman #2: Okay, where were you at 6am on Sunday 26th May?

Me: I was in bed, in Broughty Ferry... you know, up Dundee way?

Policeman #2: Do you drive?

Me: Yes.

Policeman #2: Do you have a car?

Me: Yes. A navy blue VW Golf... registration blah blah... hang on is that right? *Looks out window* Yeah you parked beside it.

Policeman #2: Where was your car on 25th May?

Me: Um... it was in Broughty Ferry... same place I was.

Policeman #2: So it couldn't have been at Willowbrae on 25th May?

Me: [thinking] well unless someone borrowed it from FT's house, drove it back to Edinburgh, down Willowbrae and then dropped it back off in Broughty Ferry, I'd say that's a no!! *resists sarcasm*

Me: If you don't mind me saying, these are really stupid questions given that I've already told you I was in BROUGHTY FERRY for the whole weekend?!

Policeman #1: We have to eliminate you from our enquiries.

Me: [thinking] Well it seems a pretty remote possibility that I shot someone but carry on! If I had a gun, I wouldn't shoot a random! Thought better of saying that out loud.

Policeman #2: Do you remember what you were wearing on 26th May

Me: Are you serious?

Policeman #2: Yes.

Me: Um... black most likely... with flip flops.

Policeman #1: When were you last at Willowbrae?

Me: Well it's generally not the route I use so I can't tell you.

Policeman #1: So shall we say never?

Me: Well no, cause that would be a lie, I have been there many times.

Policeman #1: But not on those dates?

Me: *resisting urge to laugh* No... not on those dates.

Policeman #1: Do you know your friend's phone number so we can check?

Me: [thinking] Do I look like I murdered someone? I know my flat is a bit of a tip but seriously?! *gives FT's phone number*

Policeman#2: Thank you for your time.

Me: Thank you for the entertainment. I hope you catch them.

Policeman #1: Oh we caught them already.

Me: What the actual fuck?! *shakes head*

Moral of this story: Make sure your house is at least presentable for unexpected visitors who ask really stupid questions!