Time Tough

Well, it hasn't been the best of days. Aside from things going miserably in a footballing sense (which includes the end of Tipton Town's FA Cup dream yesterday afternoon), work's been a pain in the arse too, with customers who complain that their leek and potato soup tastes of leek and potatoes, decide they want to receive their main course in precisely ninety minutes' time ("because we won't be hungry until then"), and then asking for their desserts to be wrapped up to take away, custard and all. Just one of those many occasions that demonstrate how the person who devised the mantra "the customer is always right" needs shooting.

The one saving grace of today's shift was being spared a flying visit by our boss. In addition to his usual hobby of bursting through the door right when we've decided to sit down for a breather/read the newspaper for five minutes, he's recently developed a curious obsession with ASDA wafer-thin ham in all its watery, re-formed glory, and has spent the last few days vigorously expounding its cut-price virtues. Not to put too fine a point on it, our boss's ham-fixation has driven Andy slightly up the wall. As a result, in conjunction with our Polish chef de partie, Piotr, Andy's cooked up a rather unusual plan. Even by his standards. Chiefly, he wants to turn Piotr's car into a time machine; the schematic for this incredible vehicle is depicted above, and faithfully transcibed below.

Turning Piotr's Car Into A Time Machine

a) Strip off all the paint and cover it with ASDA signs.
b) Take the stuffing out the seats and fill with wafer-thin ham.
3) Use a bit of cardboard box on a broken broom-handle as a "time rudder".
4) Change engine to a NASA-standard rocket engine for blast-off into space.
e) No need for wheels: take them off and replace with skis. No, sorry; snowboards.
f) Replace gearstick with a cucumber.
g) Place some 1980s disco lights on the parcel shelf.
h) Record the ASDA jingle and play constantly both inside and out of the time machine.
i) Cover all sides of the car with old wigs to keep the heat in.
j) Work out distance, time, speed and the year we want to go to:

10(14)[divided by]37 light years[multiplied by]376mph=1975

In 1975 ham was at an all-time low in price at just 9p per lb. I could try and get it on with Blondie and have a son older than me.

At this point, Andy has thoughtfully included a diagram of Piotr's Time Machine along with these directions, just in case you're not able to picture what a snowboard-mounted, wig-covered, ASDA-branded, ham-stuffed time machine with disco lights and a cucumber gearstick might look like. Just in case.