'break so easy'

johnathan rice


tonight I had testing for taekwondo. it was the first night I had to break wood in front of judges. I've always been able to do it during class on my first try, no problem. tonight, I broke the first piece. I went to the second--and nothin'. second try. same. last chance. my friend rory called out across the room--"c'mon Jen, go through that board right to the CHEST."

and all of a sudden, maybe based on certain people/events lately, I thought of this:

I once dated this guy that I convinced myself really cared about me. I mean, you always want to think that in a relationship, but...usually you don't have to "convince" yourself, it's just there, you know? anyways, I was always second or third or fourth in his life. and every time that I came in second or third or fourth I made some excuse up in my head and twisted it around 'til it worked and forgave him. and that's a good virtue, forgiveness I mean, but one day I realized....I wasn't just being forgiving, I was being walked all over. and I wasn't being cared about, I was being convenient.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--I am far from perfect. I am not the perfect girlfriend or friend or daughter or person. but I decided then and there that I wanted to surround myself with people that would want to be around me no matter what walk of life they were on...not only when they wanted something, be it that 'something' was help or a compliment or recognition. if there's one thing I can not stand, it is being treated [and seeing others treated] as disposable, either when things get a little hard or something 'better' comes along or whatever. that goes for boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, whatever.

and I got pretty angry thinking about that.
and wouldn't you know it?
I put my foot right through that board.