Train Friends

Travelling down to Englandshire this evening to attend a hen weekend.

When I got on the train it was entirely empty except for someone sitting in my reserved seat, so I sat at an empty table and was quickly joined by three extremely drunk young Scouse guys who had been working on the rigs in Aberdeen.

I had a DVD player and got out my DVD of Kick Ass, and they got very excited saying how good it was. The guy sitting next to me asked if I had two jacks in my DVD player, which I did, and he asked if he could watch it with me. No harm, I thought, so I let him. Queue many jokes about 'plugging in' and 'jacking off'. Now I like innuendo as much as the next girl but it did become a little repetitive after an hour or so.

Our table came under the scrutiny of the conductor pretty early on, as it seems we were in the quiet coach and the innuendo was becoming a little bit noisy and they kept receiving phone calls. My new friends felt this was a little unfair and pointed out that it couldn't be the quiet coach if free wifi was available (?!). They promised to behave.

Anyway, my new pal who I was watching the film with had a pretty short attention span due to being absolutely trolleyed and ploughing through another four-pack of Fosters during the film, so he wandered off after a while.

Five minutes later we get a message over the tannoy saying that the driver can see someone smoking via his CCTV and can they stop please? My drunk guy comes back looking sheepish and smelling of smoke, then spotting the conductor coming down the train he 'hides' further down the carriage. The conductor is looking for him, quite angry, and asks us where he has gone. I stay out of it. His friends 'haven't seen him mate.'

Our guy settles down to have a bit of a sleep in the seats behind us, but after not too long he informs us he's going to sit in another carriage because he has been sick on the seat.

A slight commotion occurs as other passengers realise what has happened and decide to take it up with his friends who deny all association and responsibility.

The conductor comes down again, again quite angry and wanting to remove our boy from the train. He cordons off the vomit-covered seat with some yellow hazard tape. Again his friends 'haven't seen him mate' but when the conductor leaves they take photos of the vomit on their mobile phones.

Thankfully Oxenholme station soon arrived and off I got, before the smell of vomit became too overpowering.