Loss, Loneliness, and maybe even Death

"Ungirthed" by Purity Ring

A week ago we buried my grandmother. I knew she was sick before I came to Athens, I knew it was bad, but it wasn't real to me until I saw her. She still had so much fight in her. She could barely breathe, each breath bubbling through fluid in her lungs, but she still wouldn't take any shit. One of the nurses was speaking to her very loudly and my grandmother snapped, "Don't shout at me!" as if to say, I'm sick but I'm not deaf. She had a strong heart and while the rest of her body was shutting down it kept pumping like a womans half her age.

It's always in times like this where I question what I believe in, what I say normally with confidence and especially what I wish were true. My grandmother was Greek Orthodox and we buried her in the family plot in the First Cemetery of Athens next to my grandfather. My mother joked, "If you aren't buried here you might as well be dead." It's a strange social situation. You see people you barely know and haven't seen since the last funeral. The small talk is exceptionally awkward, but it's never more welcome. The service was very nice and I think my Grandmother would be happy with how we honored her.

This happened right in the middle of my trip to Athens. It's been an especially weird two weeks for me, even without this great loss. I spend term time so focused and busy, working like a machine, eating like it was medicine, resting just to recharge for the next workday; I miss out on a lot of life. So I make up for it during my holidays. My time in Greece is especially elegant. My lifestyle is so indulgent, so unapologetically frivolous - it's too easy to get sucked in. It's hard to imagine going back to work and I know that flight into Balivanich will be emotionally draining to say the least.

I barely know what happened in 14 days. I was invited as a press photographer to Athens Fashion Week. It was so much fun, but really stressful too. I met a lot of wonderful people there and saw some really creative collections. I also turned 25 on Monday. Things sort of spun out of control for a little while there. With my grandmother passing away, my various existential crises over my age and being a man and being a human in general, relationship issues and love and friendship. I distracted myself with some crazy nights and made some really questionable life choices, some that worked out and some that didn't. I'm almost happier with the ones that didn't. They're more interesting. I still feel like I have so much unfinished business though, but no regrets. It will just have to wait for summer.

pictured: Lolita, who belonged to my grandfather, then my grandmother and now my uncle

Kiev 88cm
Arsat C 80mm
Ilford HP5+ 400 @1600
Rodinal 1:100 stand 90min

posted 09/04/2011
from Ekali, Athens, Greece