20 years...

It was nearly 20 years ago that I lost my father... He was killed in an accident at work... He was a lumberjack and died in a most horrific way... crushed to death under the weight of a tree...

I didn't want this blip to be sad, because it's not... These things that you see in this picture were just given to me... My mom and I have never really gotten along... and for 20 years I have been asking for some of my father's belongings... and for 20 years I've been disappointed when my pleas were ignored... It's been difficult... I was only 10 years old when he died... sometimes the memories are fuzzy... But, when I close my eyes, I can feel his strong arms wrapped around my body, as though I am still that 10 year old girl...

A cousin of mine put together a photo album for me a few years ago, as a birthday present... It was the first photos I had of my dad...

Now, my mom calls me a week ago and tells me she has a "bag of stuff for me"... I've learned over the years to never ask questions, so I told her I would drop by... Things have been strained, so I brought a friend with me so that there wouldn't be any drama...

We visited for a while, and Jonathan got to see where I came from... Needless to say, he was quite shocked that I was a even a part of my family... We're worlds apart...

My mom had the bag hanging on the back of a chair and I didn't bother looking inside before I left... We simply shared pleasantries and I tossed the bag in the back seat of my car and figured I would take a look later... I arrived home to meet Nick and we decided to leave straight away to go for a bite to eat... Jonathan sat in the car with Jonah while I brought the bag upstairs and went to get a few things... For some reason I opened the bag right then...

What I found inside was heartwrenching... I pulled out a box, one that usually contains cards or photos... On it, it said "live life"... Inside... my father's wallet, from his pocket on the day he died... with everything (except money) still inside... phone numbers, business cards and receipts... all the things you pretty much forget that you have in a wallet... all tucked neatly inside... His keys... with the banged up keychain that I bought him as a gift when I was like 8 years old... the picture that had broken off his keychain... it had a school pic of me on one side, and one of my mom and dad on the other...

There was a charm that apparently he carried... it was a baby picture of me affixed to the charm... There was his 1 year AA token... he'd been sober 2 years when he died... the best 2 years of our lives... a pocket notebook with the serenity prayer on the outside... There were photos I had never seen... including the two here where my brother and I are crawling all over the bed as my dad slept... a pin, with a pic of the two of us from the "Father Daughter Dance" the year before he passed... a ring my dad had bought my mom... a silver heart "for someone special"... There was also some strange things... my dad's license had been suspended, and there was a "reinstatement" paper... the blueprint for his headstone was there too...

She also threw in a bunch of things from when I was a child... report cards and standardized test scores... a prayer card...

I am still not quite sure what to think about all of this stuff... though I am grateful to have it... I am not sad... I am rather ecstatic... I have something tangible... something to look at when I can't quite close my eyes and recall a particular memory...

Blip has been like therapy for me... I can just post what I feel, and know that there'll be no negativity and lots of encouragement... Only a month and a half in this little community, but it's been a wonderful time... Thanks to all who look, and to all who comment... <3