WEDDINGS, ROYAL AND OTHERWISE

We have been ignored, yet again, by the Royal family. We did not receive an invitation to today's wedding. Can you believe it?

I did attend a royal wedding once, but as press and not a guest. The press gallery had a much better view than mere foreign royals and other nobs. I was interested by the cluster of royals and studied them carefully. For all that they were dressed in vivid colours and flashy uniforms, they all looked singularly sour. The groom swooned into the arms of his best man before the bride arrived. He was dragged off, discretely, of course, and revived with something amber in a glass. I was most transfixed by a tiny-tot bridesmaid who sat with the others in their fluffy dresses and circlets of flowers. She picked her nose and popped the findings into her mouth.

I'd been late and went down the Mall in a taxi with a big sticker in the window. The cab driver kept saying, "cor!" I waved at the crowds and at one point was stuck in the VIP traffic jam of the decade. My most vivid memory is the sound of the crowds and the horses.

The Canadian press passed a flask between them but did not offer it around. We were all let out early. No reception for us. I tripped over a television cable and went sprawling. We all rushed off to file our stories. I mentioned none of the above in my report, of course, and am only revealing it now.

We have, however, been invited to a wedding. Ambra and Leonardo, much like Kate and William, have been an item for many years. The dreaded part of an Italian wedding is the photographs. The bride and groom are photographed in endless romantic poses in different romantic backgrounds. This takes hours. The photographs will go into enormous albums wherein the bride and groom look like movie stars or even better. After that, the party begins. Guests fall upon their food like the starving creatures they are.

Oh, dear. I have nothing to wear. I only own one skirt.

This is my first blip using PhotoShop effects. The roses are real Albertines.

For the record: + 17 C. Showers. Humidity 66%.