Not Fair

Can you see how this shot isn't fair? I seem to be holding all the aces, but two of them are diamonds! Madness. Even if I could play the hand I have one chip, my last chip. Not going to win much with that.

I have managed to fuck everything up royally with Debs. When she needed 'space' I needed 'space filling'. Whilst she wasn't looking for a relationship (on a relationship website) I was. I'm sure its a common misunderstanding. It's kind of like going into a shop to buy bread, but not really wanting to buy bread and then the baker getting REALLY fucked off because you've WASTED HIS TIME AND ENERGY.

I imagine that's what its like. I've had full confirmation today that she doesn't want a relationship, mainly because I wanted some sort of clarification on exactly what I did wrong, while she just wanted me to go away. Again a common misunderstanding I guess, she's managed to make me feel like some sort of emotional burglar who came in her house in the night and has had to be chased off. Although to be fair what actually happened was she invited me in, handed me all her emotional baggage and then started to chase me off. Odd scenario. I'll miss her though, the comfort of her texts and messages.

I won't miss having that deep fear of rejection though. Can't be rejected by nobody at all now can you. As the (great) Kris Kristofferson once sang: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. I've had fuck all to lose emotionally for a loooooong time and yet somehow always seem to manage it.

Quick message for the person who commented yesterday about me being an emu or something. Don't you think if I was going to top myself I'd probably have done it during my recent nervous breakdown, and not over some drink soaked 30 year old who doesn't know if she crapping or peeing half the time? The shot was symbolic, a metaphor for the once more disappearing love interest in my life. I suppose you think todays shot should be banned because I'm actually cheating at poker?

I'm very bitter.

Goodbye sunny skies, hello black.
Where you been misery? Welcome back.

ps: I'm actually genuinely gutted and do realise I've done all the things I do that frightens women off: Lots of texts, one single red rose, bought all the drinks, understood all her past problems, opened up 100%, all that sort of stuff. I know how you women hate that.

:'(