Orb alignment: A horoscope special!

Taurus
Luck will strike this week and, in return, you will beat Luck's stupid looking face in with a rather unlucky live penguin.

Gemini
BOB! ........ BOB SMITH! ......BOB SMITH OF INVERKEITHING!.......... DUCK!

Cancer
You will discover that by turning them inside out you can wear your underwear for another 2 weeks without having to wash them.

Leo
Put that kumquat down, Leo!

Virgo
You decide that when you go to the snooker hall you'll stick with pool as the last time you played actual snooker it took 2 hours to complete the first and only frame of the 'match'.

Libra
You will rip the piss out of those who haven't yet realized that snooker is essentially pool played on a golf course.

Scorpio
Gladiators ended years ago. Get over it.

Sagittarius
You become bored with your job whilst, at the same time, begin to develop a liking for Pot Noodle and massive financial debt and so enrol at your local university the next day.

Capricorn
You think you'll give the village flower show a miss this time as too many people died last year.

Aquarius
Your physicist friends grow increasingly annoyed because Gillette still refuse to give them the secret to their Fusion Power Stealth technology.

Pisces
Soon.......







Toodle-pip