Crime and Punishment!

Compelled by Loves Nothing to not only contribute to his current challenge and add my own pennies worth, but also to pledge allegiance to the honorable gentleman and his party to join in the battle against a Britain out of control.

So far, his manifesto has made much sense, but fear that in his effort to make his election promises on Crime and Punishment as short and sweet as possible, he may well have overlooked two of the most important issues we face in cleaning up the streets of our beloved Isles.

Indeed, it did not take me long to track down a perpetrator of both heinous crimes simultaneously. so I would request that the impending PM reconsider adding the following crimes as punishable by deportation:

1. All Jimmy Saville impersonators should be driven from our land. They are all con men who purport to be able to 'Fix' anything and in reality simple offend our eyes with their wild hair whilst hiding behind rainbow glasses so we cannot see the reality of their intent, only then to invade our ears with a pathetic Tarzan impression feigning some kind of superhuman ability.

2. Whilst we should always encourage individuality, people wearing silly drinking shirts should, at the very least, be flogged within an inch of their lives before being deported to an uninhabited Island where they may mingle with their own kind out of sight. They are offensive and an insult to the world renowned British Fashion Industry, our heritage and our sense of what is right and proper.

So my apologies to our esteemed future leader, but feel sure he will recognise and attest that in his efforts to be succinct, these were but two minor omissions born out of good intention rather than deception.

The one manifesto promise I cannot make comment on is the tagging of Grimsby-ites. Having never been to Grimsby, I must bow to the honorable gentleman's greater knowledge, for I know he would not tell a lie.

I also offer my apologies for not contributing to the NHS manifesto yesterday, but I am sure all will understand that I have a conflict of interest in this area as my wife is a District Nurse. I therefore wish to be transparent by declaring that I rule myself out of the running for the position of Health Secretary, as my views on the matter are considerably more radical that the future PMs.

However, as a Celt, I very much look forward to the Manifesto day 3 on British Pride and feel confident I would be well placed to provide valuable contribution to that department as the Secretary of State. However, please let me state for the record, I have absolutely no aspirations to be PM at anytime in the near future whatsoever.