A New England #4: Education

"We don't need no education", Pink Floyd once memorably proclaimed. Setting aside the fact that the grammar of that sentence firmly suggests otherwise, I still can't agree with them. Education, when it's carried out correctly, is a wonderful thing. It's the difference between civilisation and chaos. It's what helps us fulfil our potential as people. It's what stops most of the Western world from ending up like Wolverhampton.

Speaking personally, I was educated at an ordinary comprehensive, and came out reasonably literate, numerate and well-versed in unarmed combat. In addition, I learned valuable life lessons, such as don't piss in the middle urinal of the gents, because people will think you're gay; don't choose badminton over football in P.E, because people will think you're gay; and don't say "no" when someone asks you if you're gay, or people will think you're gay. How could anyone possibly fail in life given a nurturing environment like that?

Sadly, there's a lot of snobbery in the UK when it comes to education, helped along by the belief that wealth and intelligence go hand in hand. My response to that begins with "bull", and ends in "shit". A lot of the smartest people I know might never earn more than twenty grand a year in their entire lives; in fact, if their earnings ever got near that threshold they'd probably be insane with glee. Conversely, I have a strong suspicion that there are powerful and well-to-do people in this country (possibly even within the government) who, when they think no-one's around, will run around the room in circles pretending to be a racing car. I have no proof of this, but just picture in your mind certain members of the current Cabinet doing it, and tell me it's not at least feasible.

In fact, it's long been a viewpoint among Tories - even the more moderate of them - that people like me can't really be all that clever, or we'd have had the sense to be born into rich families. So, with that in mind, my policies on education are as follows:

BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING ELSE, IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT WE PROVIDE A DECENT EDUCATION FOR WEALTHY, CONSERVATIVE CRETINS.

I don't mean the half-arsed education that they're currently getting at places like Eton. That's nowhere near good enough. If you don't believe me, just look at Boris Johnson. Out of compassion, we need to give these people a fair chance to fulfil their potential in life and meet some people who don't spend all of their waking hours talking utter bollocks. They need to learn how to speak in believable accents, improve their swearing to at least GCSE standard, and practise sports that don't revolve around horses.

Yes, these poor rich people need to be sent to my old school. Some might argue that this is unworkable utopianism, but in the interests of a better world, we may just have to set our natural snobbery aside and welcome the spoilt brats with open arms. Then, when you've done that, you can slap a sticker saying KICK ME - I'M A CUNT on their back.

I guarantee that they will learn very, very quickly.