Scars

I got dressed up for a dinner date with the boyfriend tonight. For those of you who stumble across this, and don't know me... I am not a girlie girl. I'm quite the tomboy. For the most part, my idea of dressing up is jeans, a black blouse, and a nice pair of heels. Maybe straighten my hair, and throw on some mascara. But tonight, I went (almost) all out. I coloured my hair today, so I made it all soft curls, and feminine. I wore a dress... A plum coloured dress... (He's the first person to see me in it.) Steel boned corset... Yep. I was a girl. I didn't recognise myself in the mirror. I looked nice, but I didn't look like ME.

When I picked up the boyfriend from work it didn't take long for him to notice.
"Ohhmahgawwd!! You.. You're in a dress. You look... WOW!... And you coloured your hair."
"I'm sorry I didn't do make-up as well. I just couldn't be bothered. And I'm not going to do it while you get ready."
"Don't be sorry. I know you're not girlie. But, you do look absolutely beautiful when you put in some girlieness."

Every girl wants to hear the words "you look beautiful" from their man. I like hearing it. But I don't feel like he's saying it to the right person.

While he was getting himself all handsome for dinner, I stood in front of the mirror, still adamant that I was not going to put make-up on. Still not recognising myself. Until I paid attention to scars on my arm and shoulder... Definitely me. Surgery scars. Glass scars from my car accident. Then I noticed the scars on my chest and forehead. I like my scars, they tell my story. But I am self conscious of them. People do look at them, and give disapproving glances. I dislike that judgment. I do a good enough job of making myself feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Does he care about the scars? Does he like them? Or just ignore them as best he can, and focus on my boobs personality?

It dawned on me that I'll soon enough have more surgery scars. On my hip. On my jaw. On my knee. At that moment, I felt so un-pretty. I felt disgusting. I don't want more scars. I have enough already.
So, I put on make-up, and covered my scars.

I really shouldn't do that. I'm stuck with the scars. I can't cover up and wear make-up all the time. I think I need to stick some metaphorical bandages on my self esteem.

And that is reflected in today's photo... Oddly, I drew her at ridiculous o'clock this morning, complete with the appendectomy scar. I knew I was going to paint her, but I didn't think she'd be so relevant to my day, and end up as my blip.

"Give me my dream and give me a scene
Where you have a past of which you are clean.
Oh, give me a lie.
Tell me you fell 'cos of my grace...
So I don't wanna be with one more casualty
'Cos all you'll see's a human bandage."
~ Casualty - Missy Higgins