Boris

Ladies and Gentlemen - The Red-Back Spider.

(Told in the style of Irvine Welsh just fur you Seano).

When Sean's been o'er visitin us, Ah ai ask him aboot the beasties that inhabit his island of Oz n' that ken. Tales of him pickin up red-backs in his hands always made me pish masel ("aye right, Seano, whatever").

First day we're in toon he says:
"Oh mate - you're in luck, I gotta ripper fo ya. There's a red-back in me postbox."

Ah'm hinkin' "Luck? - no the choice of word I would use likes" -

So we go oot tae the post box and he opens it up...... all nonchalant likes ken,.... and....bang........there the little fucker is.

Ah'm acting pure dead cool aboot the situ and that and he goes "Go on get a closer look". I'm fuckin' shitein' masel along wi the missus likes but the wee man's right in there.

"Is it poisonous, Daddy?" "Naw son - there's nae poisonous spiders in "Straaayliaaa" " (as he calls it).

Quick fotie and it's A-B-C ya - I'm ooty there.

Was I a wee bit scared? - Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back, ya cunt!? These wee bastards eat lizards!