Eye... Heart... You...

This drawing/painting wasn't going to be my blip today. I had something else planned, photographed, and written up. But something in me felt I should share this... And possibly apologise for the less than pretty imagery you see... I'll make tomorrow's blip a bit lighter to make up for it.

I guess, given how open I was in yesterday's entry, it seemed fitting to follow up with another brutally honest entry today.

Love. I struggle with it. Not so much in the friendly love, or the family love... That just kind of happens without me realising. My friends and (some of my broken) family know I love them. It's the romantic love I have issues with.
I've been broken by my last few serious relationships.
One boyfriend died after a row, a few months before my 18th birthday. My last words to him were "I hate you. I f***ing hate you"... If not for those words, he'd not have gone for a drive, and not wrapped his car around a tree.
The father of my son made sure I felt useless and unlovable when post natal depression took it's toll on me... That I was lucky to have him, because nobody else would. And when I was incapacitated after my car accident, it was MY fault HE lost HIS job, HIS social life waned, HE was doing everything... Sure, okay. Never mind that I nearly lost my life, nearly took two other lives with me, lost use of my arm, lost my job, lost my social life, and COULDN'T do anything because of the amount and severity of injuries.
The partner before the one I have now would randomly disappear. For weeks. No explanation. A miscarriage 14 days before Christmas last year was too much, and we parted ways. Amicably, I'll add. We're still very close friends, which I am thankful for.
All of this left me very emotionally scarred, and scared. Scared OF love. Scared to BE loved. Scared TO love. Self preservation has to kick in at some point, and I put up some very tall, re-enforced emotional walls. Now that they are being broken down by the boyfriend, I'm terrified. Not so much of letting myself love again. I've passed that point now. But it's showing my love for him. I don't know how, any more. There's only so much "I love you" I can say before it becomes a broken record.

This drawing reflects the process of trying to work out the right way to show my love... And how I'll probably get it COMPLETELY wrong... But, thankfully, he's just as twisted as I am, and no matter how wrong I get it, he'll understand.

Now, to work on my self-preserving, sensible heart, and convincing it to trust. And maybe do something it doesn't think wise.

"But I hope to learn as time goes by
That I should trust what's deep inside,
Burning bright.
My sensible heart."
~ Sensible Heart - City And Colour