All My Bags Are Packed, and I'm Ready to Go

Due to the onset of a little trip, Gran intimated that it was necessary for the "if I die" speech.

I duly arrived last night, and listened carefully as she told me, for the 57th time, exactly where everything was. The Insurance Policies, the bank accounts, the birth, death and marriage certificates, the funeral policy, everyone elses private business, and the files I have to delete without looking at should she conk.

I smiled and said, "cremation or burial".

"Cremation".

Humanist or Christian"

"The Moderator of the Church of Scotland, but if you can't get him, Humanist".

"Patricia the Stripper or My Way".

"Everytime We Say Goodbye". Humph Like I'm playing sad songs at her funeral. So it's gonna be Patricia the Stripper and Friggin in The Riggin by the Sex Pistols.

Wicker Basket, or Cardboard?

Wicker.

And this morning, I found a beautiful "natural funeral ground", where they don't quite bury you 6ft under, but more 3ft. and it's only just up the road, and they take pets too.

So we are all set.

However, we had one further obstacle to cover.

20 minutes from the airport, she called me and said "Do you think I might need a visa for America?".

OH MY JEESUS CHRIST!!! After what we went through with Boy and his lack of Visa and threats of deportation!???

I looked up a website. Not necessary as long as you have "Visa Waiver".

"Have you got a Visa Waiver?" (stupid question I know, but I asked).

"no".

I start to apply for Visa Waver there and then. Gran squealing passport details down the phone to me.

Visa Waiver applied for; 72 hours for confirmation of approval. Shiz.

Gets to airport. They are allowed through on the basis that they will deport her if she doesn't come home.

However, she and her friend are on stand-by and due to industrial action yesterday. Loads of people trying to get on plane.

Phone call at 1220 from her bum phoning me from her mobile as she boarded the plane. Sounds like she is away then.

As I was driving home from work though, I spots her plane in the sky, and just as it turned right to head out over the Atlantic, the Cheif Steward says "Everyone got everything?"

And then began to turn back as Gran Babs screamed, "hold on, I can't find my handbag".

But the plane is allowed to continue when the Steward points out that she has it hanging round her neck.




note: not all of this is strictly true.... only one bit is a lie!

note 2: can I just clarify, we call her Gran, but she is actually my Mother. She is the Boy and Toolibelle's Gran. She is the one on the plane. I am on the ground waving her off, and getting her flipping visa!