as it could be

"hello dear how was your day today?"
"it was marvellous dear thank you"
"was everything all extremely pleasant"
"yes it was everything was absolutely as pleasant as it could have been, if not more so"
"that is marvellous dear"
"yes marvellous so it was"
"what was the most marvellous thing about it?"
"i think it was that everyone was simply so pleasant to everyone else all day and without exception"
"how marvellous. could you provide a specific example?"
"it would be an absolute pleasure. on my way to work everyone was walking at the same speed as me on the pavement, everyone emerging from doorways and side-roads checked the way was clear before emerging and no-one was speaking extremely loudly on a portable telephone"
"that sounds absolutely super. did you have a marvellously pleasant lunch?"
"i most certainly did. i walked unimpeded to a shop which wasn't overheated and stuffy and the first pair of waterproof yet beathable and sturdy yet comfortable and grippy trainers I saw were on sale at one-eighth of their normal price, had a lifetime guarantee against wear of the heels and fitted me absolutely perfectly."
"how remarkably pleasing. was the way home equally pleasant?"
"indeed it was. despite my route taking me along the royal mile my way was not impeded by any large groups of tourists standing on the street corners. in fact at no point today anywhere in the city were there more than two tourists accumulated in any one spot."
"such remarkable pleasantness is quite astoundingly lovely to hear tell of."
"what of your day dear? was it marvellously and unmitigatedly pleasant?"
"it was indeed. on my way to work everyone drove beneath the speed limit, no public omnibuses attempted to kill any cyclists and no young men in heavily-modified small cars were playing extremely loud music with their windows open."
"how rare. how marvellous."
"during my lunch-hour i took a pleasant walk through the town centre and at every public house or coffee shop I passed outside which people were standing on the pavement to smoke they all held their breath as i passed to prevent me having to walk through a cloud of secondhand smoke."
"almost so pleasantly remarkable as to be astoundingly pleasantly remarkable dear."
"yes it was. on my way home i found a parking space at the shop right next to the doors and all the fruit in the shop was fresh and unbruised and there were no students speaking at the tops of their voices and they had everything we needed in plentiful supply and finally when i considered my world at the summit of possible pleasantness the automated self-service till gave me my change in the largest denominations of coin possible and spat out the receipt within five seconds of the transaction's successful completion."
"how pleasant that it did not keep you waiting unpleasantly at the self-service machine for up to twenty seconds after giving you a pocketful of shrapnel and a manky fiver which it would refuse to accept as payment despite being marvellously happy to supply one as change. marvellous!"
"absolutely pleasingly marvellous!"
"can you hear that noise dear?"
"what sort of a noise darling? a pleasant noise?"
"of course dear. it's a sort of flapping, squealing, oinking noise i think"
"i can't hear anything i'm afraid dear. marvellous!"
"pleasantly marvellous!"







"what's for tea dear?"
"cyanide capsules darling. would you like a cup of tea first?"