I didn't come to this world to walk around

...I came here to take you out!

I had one horrible flashback the other day, like I had been force-fed with the sadness, hate, jealousy, bullying and mental violence I've reluctantly had to face during my short life. I didn't understand it then, but don't yet understand it today.

I was forced to be right-handed when I was four. I didn't like it, but I hadn't choice - if an old traditional relative wants you to use your right hand only, then what can you do? In today's world, some people have pride for their left-handedness among the majority of right-handed, so they may not like you if you can do things with your left and right. Today I'm bloody ambidextrous, but it's not actually my problem.

I haven't really smiled or spoken much since the 2nd class, when I was bullied for my speech defect. I don't actually know how to pronounce the letter R in the proper Finnish way - it is bloody hard and takes a lot to concentrate, though there are many who pronounce it in the French/Russian way like I do. But if you get picked, then you get picked.

I haven't shown my report card to anybody since the 6th class. Though grades don't define who we are, people can still be bloody jealous for somebody's black numbers on white paper. For the sake of this universe, they're just numbers and they can be reached with simple tricks - they're not telling anybody's value!

I haven't really believed in people since the 9th class, when I was once again picked on for my poor R. I hope you can't really imagine the feeling when you're in the middle of the class and a group of jerks are imitating you and asking you to pronounce this and that word - with mocking laughter, of course. Nobody didn't say anything against what was happening and my faith in people nearly died. Later I heard that was "just humour", lol.

I haven't actually had nothing to do with my class since the 2nd class in high school - that was a decision of my own. When there's nothing in common, it's healthier to stay outside the herd. There's too much arbitrary and an inscrutable hierarchy I can't stand, plus gossiping and collusion ain't my business. Oh, I want to be honest, though it can be dangerous. You know those people who know your business better than you do? Well, they're hilarious.

After all those tryings of being equalized by the other people of my own age, I started to grow a huge network outside school and today I can say I can go wherever I want to, because there's always a friend to welcome me at their house. A home is where the heart is, they say.

All in all, today my heart felt lighter than ever in these damn 18 years, not just because I found the man I love and who loves me back, but because I survived - yeah, I bloody survived!