My problems just keep mounting up

Where to begin?

I've not been able to continue my journal as I've had too much on my mind to even be thinking about writing about it all.

My world is collapsing around me and from what I can see it's all going to get much worse.

I feel like the criminal who's been falsely imprisoned. I do my best to better myself and those around me. Mostly to better those around me. I try keep on a smile for the sake of those around me. I'm the guy who tried his hardest to deal with what he has been given whilst keeping a smile on my face. However all I get in return is bad luck, bad attitudes and constant problems coming my way.

The world can only be held on the shoulders for so long before the knees begin to crumble. And believe me, my knees are crumbling.

In relation to my choice of picture for this journal I feel one of my main problems at the moment is how lonely I feel.

I have an absolutely brilliant girlfriend who I feel more strongly for than I could ever let her know. I have a small group of friends.... or recently should I say "friends". My life revolves around my son, so I work weekends as I watch him most of the week. I get 2 days during the weekdays to myself. So monday, wednesday and friday nights I sit in my house alone whilst my son sleeps. My partner can't always be here so when she can't make it I'm stuck. Only me to talk to. This has unfortunately made me very reliant on my friends for conversation. I say unfortunately as I see to be surrounded by the type of friends who I really don't feel care too much about me. I go out of my way for them for the favour never to be acknowledged or returned. It makes me sad and increasingly anxious feeling that other than my girlfriend and parents there isn't many people who ever think "I wonder how Alan is doing?". In a time where I need increasing support and conversation of my friends to help me cope and about my problems, I feel I get none other than the daily conversation with my girlfriend. Call me selfish, but why shouldn't I be?! I never think about myself. I never take a little minute just for myself. It's not to say I don't appreciate my girlfriends conversations, as I do. I can tell her things I would never be able to tell another living soul.

However (disagree as you may) I think the more people I feel want to talk to me rather than HAVE to talk to me makes me breathe a sigh of relief. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not the annoying moany guy they all think I am.

I'm a tortured soul as nobody will ever seem to understand what I'm going through. This didn't help a few weeks ago when I wen't to my GP to speak about me possibly being depressed and without a word of a lie her response was "I don't actually have time to discuss this at the moment Alan." This made me feel more lost than Jack Shepard. What can I do? Who can I turn to? I don't want to land all my problems and insecurities on my girlfriend and I can't speak to my kid about all of this.

I hope one day I can return to the carefree soul I used to be, rather than this worrying-sad-depressed-insecure-broken-paraonid shell of a person.

I crave for that little light at the top of my blackberry to shine as the vibrations pulse for me to find that someone is just checking how Alan feels today...