war...

This little scene may look to you like a representation of 1950s style house-wifey productivity, but actually, scratch beneath the surface and all sorts of neighbourly psychological warfare is going on...

Line 1: identifyable in this profile picture by - sheets, babygrows and towels.

Assembled by: downstairs neighbours who've just had a baby.

Tactic: gets line out first thing at the crack of piss and has most of the wash dry by lunchtime. Usually achieves 2 loads in one day. Highly organised (and impressive).

Washing Style: Tends to stick to The Big Three - bedding, towels and larger items of clothing, although in recent weeks this has changed due to the addition of their new baby. Now added bonus of seeing tiny wee baby grows, cardigans and assorted items that make you go squishy when you see them flapping in the wind.

Psychological Profile: She is a complete washing guru - when her line goes up, you know it's going to be a nice day. Takes no prisoners and makes no apologies - sticks line right across the garden in diagonal stripe and flies in and out during the day to remove dry clothing and attach new wet stuff

Line 2: identifyable in this profile photo by - hooded cardigan, tea towels, socks, pants, jeans, coloured tops

Assembled by: The Family Dog

Tactic: sees downstairs neighbour's early morning achievements and wants in on the action.

Washing Style: Tends to err on the side of 'chuck enough wet stuff at the line and some of it will dry' - a variety of garments can be on the line at any time, usually due to the fact that no washing has been considered until subject is up out of scratcher and looks out window for the first time.

Psychological Profile: Loves the opportunity to get washing out on the line, but doesn't put huge amount of thought into it. With this in mind, washing has been hung up on (literally) the windiest/wettest days of the year resulting in pants and bras having to be plucked from trees upon return from work. This has manifested itself recently in a 'nervy' hanger upper - will only attempt to hang washing on days that downstairs neighbour has done the same and then does as many washes as possible to maximise on the time available. All hanging up is usually followed by subject pointing to the sky and saying 'don't rain' in menacing manner.

Line 3: identifyable in this profile picture by - old scabby winter coat, mad looking pants and mop head

Assembled by: crazy matriarch of the building (top floor)

Tactic: has no real need to hang washing outside as lives on own and seems to cope with washing everything in flat UNTIL other neighbours try to hang up their washing and then the big guns come out and she hangs lines literally EVERYWHERE

Washing Style: Sometimes sticks to the Big Three but in recent years (due to death of husband) has been somewhat more erratic. Has been known to swear at neighbours who have clothes hanging up and will hang slightly damp, random items up to get point across that nobody should fuck with her. This is also done at same time as neighbours are enjoying a BBQ so that she can then complain afterwards about her 'clean' washing smelling of meat.

Psychological Profile: Clearly bonkers. Has lived in this building far too long and believes that garden belongs to her. Hates anybody using it, especially for purpose of hanging up washing and makes point by quickly washing random things (in this instance - mop heads) and hanging them up to ensure nobody forgets that she is here and will always be the boss of us.....

(p.s....on a totally different note, the baby is due tomorrow.....)