I hope that isnt the plane

Im not actually writing this as I have been skydiving today and have faked my death in order to claim the insurance money and get my large mortgage paid off. So if you see me in Edinburgh mums the word.

I phone them first to make sure that we are still good to go and the guy tells me what time I have to leave the house to be there in time. I goes no worries, but I was just going to leave now , I dont mind being a bit early. He goes after a bit of silence, no mate you dont wanna do that, thats like going to the pub and them not having any beer. Good onya fella.

I get there and officially become a fully paid up member of the Australian skydiving association and have to sign a huge pile of waiver forms regarding death, serious injury, decapitation, mutilation, humiliation blah blah bladddy blah.

I meet matt, my instructor for the day, whos first words are, your not a pom are ya ? Matt gives me a safety brief literally as follows: Hold onto your harness here, stick your head back on me shoulder, make your body like a banana ( he demonstrates). Thats it, lets go.

We get in the plane after getting kitted up, no helmet, and its a right rickety old plane, five people plus pilot are squished into a two man plane, aussie style.

Matt and I have a right good laugh on the way up and he puts me at ease with his banter. He has a go at one of the other blokes for farting in the plane and refusing to open the door despite the no farting sticker clearly marked above the seatbelt sign.

Matt has us clipped to the planes seatbelt which he takes great pride in showing me, but I tell him that if the planes going down, Im sticking with him.

The others depart before we do as we have to keep climbing to our desired altitude.

He opens the door and its a bit windy and he tells me to put my legs out over the wheel braces which I do, its proper windy up there. Head back and Im ready to go.

He asks whether scottish blokes scream and whether im ready to jump, I say no and yes, but you could easily interchange these two answers if you want. He asks me if Im sure Im ready to go to try to build the tension, but Im wired by this time and im ready to go for it. You sure, yes Matt just jump. And im falling.

I dont scream, freefal is amazing as is the realisation that Matt just saved my life or rather the chute saved my life when Matt deployed it. Matt, I dont know you but I think I love you.

Matt lets me take the chutes controls and we spiral downwards, he takes over and does the last come to a halt bit and before I know it we are sliding along the damp grass.

I go for lunch and eat like a crazy person like I hadnt been fed for a week.

Talking about crazy people, eric warned me yesterday that australia has its fair share of nut jobs and today i encounter two of them.

After skydiving, I get the train to perth to do some shopping and happen to stop and take a picture of a corgi dog in a pram. The old owner takes offence to this and starts shouting at me, then follows me along the street. Initially I ignore him, but he is shouting, cursing etc and telling me to come here. I keep ignoring him and keep walking. He keeps doing the same and by this time I have walked about the quarter the length of the shopping street. Eventually I have had enough of this, so I stop, put my bags down at my feet and tell him to beat it ( insert expletives in here) or im going to put him on his arse. Well, he suddenly looks like he has bricked himself ( must think all us scots are mentalists) and runs away shouting Ill get you next time. Eh yeh mate, not unless your getting on the same flight as me you wont.

Not ten minutes later, I encounter numero two, the one man wolf pack on the train home.

Following on from yesterdays seperated at birth spot, the following individuals were sighted on todays journey home, morrisey, most of the members of ZZ top and a middle aged women that keeps flashing her knickers.