Infidelity

Taken on the tube at rush hour. I never want that to be my commute.

I'm reading an article in the Times supplement magazine about affairs and their effects on relationships. It may be the fact that I got up at half past four this morning to come home from Brussels; I'm exhausted and suffering from post-holiday come down. Perhaps it's just that, but I'm finding it hard to read. I almost wish I hadn't started it, because there are now passages of it that I'm not going to be able to forget until I have analysed them very very closely. Ironically, I sometimes worry that my need to analyse everything that makes me uncomfortable actually makes me impossible to maintain a relationship with. When it gets hard, I cannot forget about it. I worry a little bit at the moment that I am never going to have a successful relationship; I have to remind myself that the reasons for this are good. I am honest, I don't lie and that can make things uncomfortable. I need to conquer things that get me down and that can take time. I think really it means that when I want a relationship it will have to be with someone unbelievably specific, someone honest and mature enough to handle not having taboos, and someone who's equally honest with themselves and can understand that I can't handle having things hang over me. That's quite scary, in a way. I want to be on my own at the moment, but I know I won't forever, and what if these things stop an otherwise great relationship from working?

"affairs tend to happen in the wake of major life events: 'A death, or a birth, or an illness- often one of the couple moves on and gets with the new reality while the other doesn?t. That can easily act as a trigger to an affair. Suddenly someone other than the spouse becomes the one who understands you more; you become closer to them and, bingo! An affair begins.'"

This passage hits very close to home. I'm finding it fairly hard to grapple with. I have cheated, not had an affair, and that is how I got together with my recently ex-boyfriend. I have also been cheated on by the same boyfriend, and this passage could be applied to both situations. It is far easier to be angry with the ex than understanding. I know that one day I won't feel outraged by it at all, however it is still early days now.

I've set up a second blip because he?s subscribed to my old one. I am used to being very honest in my write ups, but feel it would be fairly insensitive to publish this sort of thing under his nose, so for now I will use this. I don't expect anyone to read this much, but it is somewhere I feel comfortable writing candidly.

He and his ex I shall try to deal with quickly. They had their own problems, they weren't really my business, I don't have much respect for the person she was two years ago but I think we were all 18, we've all grown up. I also think it was wrong of me to hold ex?s hand and get physically close in a way we could avoid confessing (e.g. not ever kissing) before they broke up. I was unbelievably naïve and thought I was special. I understood him better than she did and believed he was 'the one'. I believed it was a one off and that he'd never cheat on me.

This time last year we went to different universities. I found moving to Manchester very hard, and he threw himself into Warwick. She understood him more than I did. After the cheating I took him back, still convinced he was the one. I understand that he was 19 and wasn't prepared to handle the change perfectly. I will understand that he's not a bad person, he just wanted everything and couldn't have both of us. A lot has happened since the cheating involving that girl and her behaviour towards me, and also his issues with honesty, and not being able to face up to things. Maybe we'd have got through it if I was happier where I was, if I was not determined to confront things. However, although it's hard now I am of the view that I am 20, now is not the time to stay in an unhappy relationship, even if I love my ex. I think the infidelity hurt my ego more than anything. I now have a massive drive to excel and be the best, so that the fact that my ex didn?t think I was the one and only won?t matter as much. It's been a fairly awful year, and I still find it subtly confusing to process. I sort of thought I had to accept my lot, that it was unreasonable to be jealous of him cheating. I'm a bit insecure about my expectations. The first year of our relationship was full of assurances that we'd make it through Uni and get married. We both believed we would. I think I acted on the promise while he just expected it to come true. It's so much easier to be angry, but it's not nice. The transition to understanding is painful and confusing, so I hope I am over it sooner than I expect.

http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/public/sitesearch.do?querystring=Infidelity§ionId=2&p=sto&bl=on&pf=all