LAST DAY

Today is the 10th anniversary of the death of my husband Douglas.

When the children and I arrived at the hospital that day for visiting we were asked to go into the sisters room - so we knew something was up. We were told that Douglas had suffered a 3rd stroke - a massive one this time and that nothing could be done. They had taken all the monitors away - just left the oxygen on. We were in shock as you can imagine - total disbelief really. Just one week ago Douglas had been living a normal life - the day before his first stroke we had been for a day out to Hexham, Douglas had been jogging and we watched a film on TV in the evening. Now we were being told it was just a question of time and we just had to wait for him to die.

We stayed with him for most of the day - he seemed peaceful but didn't respond to anything. In the evening we decided to pop home for a while. However we had no sooner got in the door when the phone rang - the call was to tell us that Douglas had died about 20 mins after we had left.

We were really upset that none of us had been there but next day when we went back to the hospital the sister said that it often happens this way - the sick person sort of holds on to life while their loved ones are present and then slips away when they leave. I like to think that this is true and that Douglas didn't want to die while we were there.

The next few weeks seemed to have been spent in a daze - just on autopilot - but things needed doing and no-one else was there to do them but me. Neil was only 17 - still at school. Becky was 18 - left college and looking for a job. So young to lose their Dad.

So here we are 10 years later -- and blipping about it all. Who would have thought???

I have musical memories from that time. At Douglas's funeral his coffin was draped in The Palestine Police flag - I was so proud and pleased that I had been able to contact someone to get the flag. " The Holy City " was played as this was the adopted song of the Palestine Police Old Comrades Association. My other choice of music was " Chariots of Fire " by Vangelis - so appropriate for Douglas as a runner.

A song which means a lot to me even now is a song which always seemed to be on the radio at that time - Wherever You Will Go - by The Calling. I loved the words but they did make me feel emotional. If I heard this song played while I was in a shop I would find myself crying - very embarrassing.

WHEREVER YOU WILL GO - BY THE CALLING

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go.

**************************
Oh dear - I have just read through the words and the tears are starting. Get a grip.

My blip today is of a lovely orchid plant which Neil bought me for my birthday last year. It flowers twice every year - the first time the blooms are large and the second time there are just as many but they are smaller-- this is it's 2nd flowering.

I'm not sitting at home dwelling on things today so I'm off to The Theatre Royal in Newcastle to see The Sound of Music. I love musicals so this will cheer me up. I am a regular visitor to this theatre but it has been closed for months for renovation and only reopened a couple of weeks ago. I am looking forward to seeing what changes they have made.

I would like to thank everyone who has made a comment on my " Douglas blips ". I have read every one and it has been very therapeutic sharing my memories with all of you. I feel as though I have made some new friends.

Neil update ---- there is no update. No Facebook message from him this morning but he is island hopping so possibly no internet available.