A story behind a story

"I guess I'm supposed to say thank you. I'm supposed to say thank you thank you thank you for being in my life every single day. I guess I'm supposed to feel butterflies. That my stomach should feel upside down every single time. That every single time my stomach does that, I have the need to throw up. That when my gut clenches so painfully that my hands shake and tremble so much that I need to catch my breath. I guess that's what supposed to happen. I guess that that feeling is supposed to be good.
I need to hear an "I'm sorry". To hear an apology that won't help anything but for you to say it just for the sake of it. I need to hear your words that mean nothing when you say them because that just happens all the time. With you.
But you are the kindest. And you are gentle. And you are considerate. And when you popped your face into my life, on that one afternoon, I'll never forget it. And the one important fact that I don't have to worry about anything I say to you or tell you or cry to you because you can just sit there and listen for hours and you don't mind that I'm an emotional wreck. And you may not look like it, or act like it, but I know that every single thing I say or speak, I know you take it all into perfect consideration.
How can I be content that the one person - except for God - in this world that has the ability to understand me in one go but yet not know me at all is you? How did I give you that power? That ability? Who gave you permission? Certainly not I.
It definitely wasn't me.
My heart isn't mine anymore. It's someone else's. A girl that I don't recognize. A girl that allowed herself to be vulnerable in a way that I would've never allowed it. But this heart was claimed by you a long time ago, and broken too. Into a million little pieces, so tiny I can't even piece them back together anymore.
But still...
You are the one thing I cherish. But I can't love you because I love God more. But I cherish you. Please don't forge that."

- A passage from a diary that I found, some pretty deep stuff huh? It's kind of ironic, but I still kind of feel the same exact way now. Haha, kids think they know everything about love these days, wow the irony..

So tired. Bed time.
xoxo
Amy