A few words on Penguins.

You might think that Edward Monckton has said everything there is to be said about Penguins but I would like to put right a few wrongs.

I should say that this is not, in any way, written under duress but should also add that (due to a very hectic week full of early mornings) I spent most of the day in a state of unconsciousness and had a very peculiar dream-conversation.

It went something like this:

Penguin : Hello.
Me: Who's that?
Penguin: It's me...Over here...No, over here. On top of your chest of drawers. Hello.
Me: Bartleby?
Penguin: That's right.
Me: But...but...This can't be happening. I must be dreaming.
Penguin: Why?
Me: Because you're a penguin. You don't have the faculty of speech.
Penguin: Ah but that's where you're wrong. All Penguin's can talk...
Me: But...but...you're plastic...
Penguin: Plastic penguins are the most conversant. I can speak ten languages.
Me: This is incredible.
Penguin: It's even more incredible when you think we're talking Swahili. Anyway. Let's get down to business. I have a bone to pick with Edward Monckton. Do you know him?
Me: Not personally no.
Penguin: Have you read his "Penguin of Death?"
Me: Yes I have actually.
Penguin: And what did you think?
Me: I thought it was very funny actually.

(Pause)

Penguin: I have nothing more to say to you.
Me: I'm sorry. Have I offended you.
Penguin: No. He has offended me. He has offended all penguins. He says we can kill in 412 different ways...
Me: Yes but he's only joking. It's called satire.
Penguin: Well I take it very seriously thank you very much. I don't like it when you people get things wrong. I've seen "Happy Feet." I suppose you liked that too?
Me: I did actually.
Penguin: I thought you would. Well. I want you to do something for me. I want you to right a wrong.
Me: Ok. You've always been good to me. What is it?
Penguin: You can tell everyone you know that...that...we penguins are highly inteligent and a peaceful race who like nothing more than settling down on a Sunday afternoon with our feet up in front of the fire, a cup of tea and a crumpet by our side and the BBC version of Narnia on the box. Do you think you can do that for me?
Me: Of course I can.
Penguin: Good.
Me: There is one thing though...
Penguin: Yes?
Me: What happens if I don't?

The Penguin thought for a second and then, with an enigmatic smiles creasing his face he leant forward and said

I'll KILL you.

I woke up in a cold sweat and looked over at my chest of drawers. My plastic penguin friend had a long wire trailing to my iPod and was happily dancing along to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".

It seemed everything was going to be alright and that I'd just been having a bad dream but as the song changed to Chic's disco classic "Everybody Dance (Clap Your Hands)" and I lay my head back down on the pillow I could have sworn I saw him flap his little plastic wings in my direction and give me an enormous wink.