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Don't look at me like that.

I know it's been a while, but I had this new camera...

I'm sorry. I know it's dark and a bit smelly in this cupboard but I cleaned and oiled your chain and important bits before you went in so everything still works now. I know it was a little tactless to put you right next to the dead and decaying frame of your predecessor but if it hadn't been destroyed when I came off it and landed on my chin after hitting that patch of oil on Bank Street then you'd never have been bought in the first place.

Yes, I've still got the camera but you have to understand it was my first proper camera for years and I got right back into it and it was easier to walk along and take pictures than having to keep stopping when cycling and you know how irritated and worried I was getting through all the bloody motor vehicles especially buses and taxis and beemers trying to kill me and even if I got home safely I'd still have been irritated by cyclists riding on the pavement and skipping lights and so on and I ended up a lot calmer just walking everywhere even if it took thrice the time. I still took you out every now and then and the camera came with us a few times. I'd started to cycle less a long time before I bought the new camera, too. Anyway, it's all different now; I'm just as irritated by pavement-cyclists as a pedestrian as I was as a cyclist so might as well be annoyed but getting around more quickly and I've got the picture-taking under control and stopped thinking I need new lenses and only took two shots yesterday and five or six today and three of them were of you in your cupboard.

Yes, I'm obviously keeping the camera. Yes, it'll need accoutrements and upgrades just like you did; remember those nice new wheels and seat and that headstem extension and all the new brake blocks and cables and a couple of fresh chains and that nice new footpump and better pedals and a nice strong lock to keep you safe? Anyway, neither of you will be getting this month's overtime as that's for the holiday. If you behave you might get something at christmas; I've still got all your old lights and everything though it might take me a few days to find everything but we won't need them much at this time of year.

Actually, it might be the first time it's taken a picture of you. Tell you what: we'll all go out for a ride somewhere nice tomorrow after work and you can get to know each other properly.