K...

This is something I don't really open up about.
I'm one of five kids. We're all doing our own stuff now.
My sister has settled down with her other half and have a bouncing baby boy on the way.
My brother is 17. Enough said.
My littlest brother is 13 and very much into his sports.
Me? I work full time so I float about.

Then there's K. My 15 year old gorgeous (not so) little brother.

14 months ago, due to his Asperger's Syndrome, our family came to breaking point. As a family, we all struggled to give him everything he needed.
He now lives in residential care not too far away.

I don't know my little brother any other way. He's always been...different. He's always been scarily smart, the weirdest obsessions. That just makes him...well, him.

Over the last few months, my mind has been filled with thoughts of K. Things that wouldn't seem that important to anyone else hold good memories for me. Things like when we were much much younger when we shared a room and he'd wear a hat and socks 24/7. When he'd get into bed, they'd stay on and he'd hug up to the teddy bear I'd had since birth, affectionately named Mrs Teddy (I don't know who she was married to!). In the morning, Mum would take his hat off and I can still, strangely, smell the musty scent of sweat. This, to me, is a comforting smell. That might sound strange, but it was a smell I was used to around him. I also remember Mum or Dad sneaking into our bedroom, if they had the courage to, to slowly take K's hat, socks and Mrs Teddy and put them in the wash, returning them in the same place they were found only a few hours later. This was normal family life. I never saw it as any different.

Part of Asperger's is the frequency in having an obsession. We've seen it all. The ones I remember are, in no particular order:
- Kings and Queens (Dad comes in from work one day and is greeted by 'Whose
your favourite Hanoverian King?'. Dad, thinking on his feet and feeling rather
smug, answered 'George', to which Kieran promptly answered 'George I, II, III or
IV.")
- Cheese (There was even a web page he made, listing all his favourite cheeses,
named 'Cheeseland')
- Britain's Got Talent (He'll remember every single act no matter how long they
were on stage for.)
- Doctor Who (Oh God! The worst obsession, by far. I was never a massive fan
of Doctor Who, but he loved it and would persistently tell us EVERYTHING
about Dr Who. He knew every doctor, what monsters were in each series and for
how many years each Doctor was the Doctor.)
- Soaps (Coronation Street and Eastenders were the most common. He used to
frequently ask me 'Do you remember ?'. They were usually
in the show about thirty years before I was born, but would frequently say
'Yeah', to which he'd then question me on what my favourite of their episodes
was, who was my favourite of their children...etc. Crazy)
- His computer (He used to spend hours on his computer, upstairs. He'd write
fictional stories about characters he named Starr and Jon (They were exactly
how he spelt them. This turned into his own episode guides. It was amazing
to watch though!!)
- Boxers (Not the underwear. Muhammad Ali, Joe Fraser, that sort of 'boxers'.
He'd be able to tell anyone what class any boxer was in and the year they began
boxing professionally.)
Don't get me wrong, sometimes the obsessions drove the family MAD, but it made K the person he always was. His most recent obsession is The X Factor. Thankfully, I like it myself so that's not too much of a hard ship.

Mum posted a video on her facebook page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UNXMaNfiYA) It's beautiful and the words describe my little brother fantastically. For those who can't/don't want to, I'm gonna write the words out below. It's beautiful...

Based on "All Cat's Have Asperger's Syndrome" by Kathy Hoopman

The first signs of Asperger's are usually picked up very young.
An Asperger's child looks at the world in his own unique way.
He likes to be near those he loves, but doesn't want them to hold him.
Prefering squishy places to a hug.
Instead of coming to people for comfort he may be overly attached to a toy...or a pet.
It's possible he may be over adventurous and uses his nine lives all too quickly.
An Asperger's child may have exceptionally good hearing and loud sounds or sudden movements may scare him.
Other senses can be heightened too, such as touch and smell.
Yet things that bother other people may not bother him.
He's often fussy about what he eats.
He wants sameness day after day.
He isn't interested in things that other kids his age do.
When he's forced to mix, he doesn't know how.
Other kids make friends, but don't invite him to play and he may be bullied.
Sometimes his parents feel sad when they can't understand their own child.
An Asperger child may also feel sad too.
He may become a loner, caught up in a world of his own.
Where small things fascinate him for hours, and he can do the same things over and over again without getting bored.
When things get too much for him, he may tantrum.
His vocabulary may be very advanced.
But then he gets little words all mixed up or misunderstands what people say.
When people talk to him, he may refuse to look at them.
Yet, when he talks, he goes on and on about the same topic and bores everyone silly.
Then he may say something that makes them stop and think, and they marvel at his bright, intelligent mind.
In many ways, his thinking is far ahead of his peers, and he seeks answers in places others don't think to look.
Or he invents new ways to do old things.
People may be astounded at how far he goes to test his theories.
Some say he's a little genius.
Daily routines comfort him, and he gets worried if the routine is changed.
An Asperger's child has a great sense of humour, but doesn't always think about what he is saying.
Those around him may cringe with embarrassment.
He's honest, but sometimes too honest.
An Asperger child may be open to everyone regardless of age, size or species.
As he gets older, he senses that he may be different from everyone else.
He feels like he belongs on a different planet.
Like an outsider looking in on a world he never understands.
Yet with his unique perspective on life, his eye for detail, and his concentration he becomes the top of his field.
He may need a little help following fashionable trends.
Just like anyone else, he needs love and encouragement, a bit of advice, space to be himself.
And then everyone can sit back and enjoy the unique individual he becomes.

Dear K,
I miss you every day. I struggle more than you will ever know, remembering that I can't see you whenever I want.
However difficult everything was, you're still the blond haired, blue eyed newborn, you're still the two year old who used to crawl through cupboards and cause mischief, you're still the four year old who couldn't go anywhere without a hat, you're still the six year old who'd take forever to choose a pair of shoes for school, you're still the eight year old that didn't want to hug, but wanted to hold hands, you're still the ten year old who'd have an opinion on everything, you're still the twelve year old who drove us barmy.
You've grown into a gorgeous young man. I genuinely get lost in your beautiful blue eyes. You don't notice, but when I go to see you, I don't watch the TV. I watch you. I watch the way you affectionately laugh when J makes a lame joke. I watch the way you smile when your favourite X Factor contestant comes on. I guess I'm trying to take in every precious moment I have with you.
There's not a moment when you're not somewhere in my thoughts.
No matter what you say or do, I'm never gonna stop loving you. My love for you is completely and utterly unconditional.
Even if I could somehow take away the more troubling times, I wouldn't, because with the troubling times, came the good times and I will always hold onto those.

To my handsome brother.
I'm always gonna be here for you. Whether it's a hand to hold or a chat, I'll always be around.
Never ever ever change.


Love you forever big man xxxxxxx