Isn't it amazing?

Isn't it amazing how our lives just change so dramatically within a year? month? day? hour? minute? second?

This year has been the most life changing year for me. It also has been the most heartbreaking and revolutionizing year. I simply cannot believe where I am, who I am, the choices I made, the people in my life, and the spiritual displacement I feel. If I were to be completely honest with myself- I have no fucking clue what I am going to do with my life. I am overwhelmed by constant anxiety attacks, and am having to fight off depression every second. My sense of self is shattered. Why did I sleep with him? Why did I fight so hard to get him back when clearly I should have let us stay peacefully separate? Why do I have to feel so incredibly heartbroken and confused and hopeless? I am scared to be by myself. I am scared to start thinking. I am scared to actually feel whats going on in my heart because whenever I start tapping into it a huge explosion of emotion comes out. I don't have anyone to talk to. I love my friends but honestly... I don't have someone who I feel actually listens and loves me. I am hopelessly obsessed with H, what's the point? I mean do I really think I'm going to end up with a guy who lives and studies in Baghdad? How completely irrational of me. I hate conflict in my life. I hate when someone hates me- and Dylan hates me. I mean he really hates me. Moreover, I hate the way he reacted to my honesty. His words were by far the most painful thing I have ever had to listen to. I don't deserve his love, i'm not good enough for him. Yet, I miss him. I can't help but think what I would be doing right now if I had chosen to never tell him. We would be together again, I might have that ring on my finger, the hole in my heart might be gone finally, I might have him to wake up next to. I want to convince myself wholly that we were never meant to be, but I always wonder...what if I am the one who screwed up our destiny together? Does God punish like that? I want to be done feeling like this. I want to be happy again. I think I keep telling myself that "happiness" is what was, not what could be. That's my problem- my life will never go back to the way it was, yet I keep fighting the inevitability of the pushing of time. I don't feel forgiven. I don't worth anyone's time or love. I guess I believe i'm going to end up alone. I would go back to having a lack of true friends with the trade off of having my soul mate. We used to say we were taking our relationship 'day by day'. What does that even mean? Coming from a person who loves to plan, why would I ever think that way? I am barely holding on now. I have had friends tell me it gets better every day, or over time. Its gotten harder. With each passing day I feel like i'm being distanced from the people and memories I loved so much. Distance...is what Ive created all in my heart. Distance between my sense of worth, confidence, peace and heart. There is no outpouring because nothing is pouring into me. I don't even know how to talk to God anymore, I don't even feel worthy enough to look at him. I regret sleeping with all those guys, despite what all my friends say. It kills me inside thinking I gave myself away to such shallow incidences. The worst part is I feel so forgone that if the opportunity arose again I feel like I wouldn't have enough strength to say no. Who the fuck am I? This is not the Brooke I used to know. Now I can understand why judging people and not loving people despite their mistakes is so incredibly hurtful. Thankfully, I will never allow myself to go back to that specific character trait of mine. I am no longer judgmental. I don't want a man to come into my life and make everything better, and at the same time I do- because it would be so easy to put all my hope and trust and sense of value and beauty into someone's words and actions toward me instead of actually healing from all that has happened with God. My prayers are split. I want my soul mate to just come now, but I also pray that men stay far away from me so I can heal and forgive and be forgiven. I pray that Dylan forgives me and stops hating me one day...that would bring me peace. I don't know how to release all of this negative emotion. I keep bottling it up, and then is spills out in unhealthy ways. I would love for people who care about me to lay hands on me and pray over me- that would be amazing. I would love a church community to be apart of, to encourage me and build me up. I would love to get back to where I was with God. I would love my sense of self worth back. But it all comes back to the simple fact of- I don't know how to do any of that. i don't know how to move on, i don't know how to heal, i don't know how to not make bad choices, I don't know how to accept love from people. So that's where I'm at. I'm on the verge of doing something really stupid every day and I just pray to God something radically changes, or that He tells me how to radically change my life because I'm afraid of what I might do..... God, be small enough to hear me now.