And what is more, You'll be a mother.

Last year, just before Christmas, after a frantic shopping spree at Lunchtime, trying to fit in all the requirements before the big day, I took an SP, and "improvised" If, by Rudyard Kipling.

I loved it, and I looked back, and for those of you who came upon my journal after Christmas, I thought I'd use it again, because to me, it just sums up Christmas so much. I was going to re-adapt it, but reading it through again. Nope. It's Christmas. For Sure.



If You can Keep Your Head when all At Work and all around You
Are Screaming down the phone, and Shouting At You,
If You can trust yourself, to Run past Boots,
Without Buying up half the No 17 counter,
But Still remember to Buy Essentials.
If You can wait, On the 13 Minutes Past,
Even when it comes at 42 minutes Past,
And Not Be Fed up to the Back Teeth,
If They Lie to You, Don't Accept their Guarantees,
You are better than that.

If You Can Dream, and Live Happily in them.
If You can Think, and Be Pleasantly Surprised,
If you can meet with Dolce & Gabba, and DKYN
And Know Fakes from Genuine and still be
Quite happy to buy the Cheapest Version.
If you can hear what you've said to someone
Spoken back and it sounds like utter drivel;
But see you Children fall and be hurt,
STOP and put them back together with your heart.


If you can take everything you have,
And Risk it on the Last Minutes Sales, 48 Hours before Christmas Day
And Find they aren't Starting til Boxing day.
And Not Cry with Frustration, knowing the Prices will
Be So much better on 28th.
If you can Force a Smile, and Grit Your Teeth
And be nice to Everyone who Says "I've done all mine?".
Go forth and buy everything required at Exorbitant Prices
Even tho your will says ?"Hold On".


If you can walk down the High Street, and not Loose your head
Or walk through Malmasion, with your pants tucked in your skirt,
If No Evil Shop Assistant, or Vicious Conductor can hurt you,
If your daughter can count on you, to get exactly what she needs,
If you can fill the unforgiving Advent
With 12 Days of Bloody Shopping,
Yours will be Christmas and Everything it brings,
And, which is more, You will be A Mother, You will!