Depression...

People tell you that you need to pull yourself together, stiff upper lip and all that stuff. A typical attitude towards something they don't really understand. That's easy for them to say. Unless you've suffered any sort of depression I don't believe you have any idea how it feels. Recognising that you have a problem is probably the first step in getting better. Some people want to know what's wrong and want to try and help and others are completely oblivious to it, they just want you to be the person they know and don't really understand why you aren't yourself. While most of them mean well, they're not helping. Talking about it doesn't necessarily help, it's just more upsetting. Sometimes being left alone to wallow is exactly what you need.

Feeling down doesn't come alone, there are a whole lot of other emotions that accompany it, like guilt for one. Usually I would tell people that feeling guilt is a waste of time. It's a useless emotion and utterly pointless to feel guilty about something you've done when you can't change it. But knowing that there are people who are worse off than you, people who don't have the nice things you have, or the family and friends who are in your life, people who don't have a roof over their head or are suffering from all sorts of everything. There are a lot of people worse off than me but that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel any less like I have problems or issues to deal with. It doesn't make my stuff go away, it just makes me feel worse for feeling bad about my problems. I don't want to discuss it in detail, pick apart all the things that are wrong, I don't want people to know everything about everything. About my innermost thoughts and feelings. I used to tell all that stuff to my dog. I miss my dog. A lot. He made my life better in so many ways it's hard to explain. I guess if you're a dog person, you'll know what I mean. He never talked back. He just listened. There was no judging done, he didn't worry about my problems, there was no lost sleep or shared secrets, offloaded onto someone else so he could get help to help. He just listened and carried on with his day like none of it had ever happened without any idea of how much better he made me feel. That is unconditional love at it's finest. When I'm able, I shall have another dog just like Monty.

Everyone is off to our team Christmas lunch today. I'm not going. I went last year. It's too over the top for me, not being allowed to choose what you'd like to eat is a bit like being at school, last time I looked I was a grown up. It's posh, too posh. Being seen to be eating in the finest restaurants and poshest places really does nothing for me. It's lovely that they take us out, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather go somewhere you could enjoy your meal, that actually filled the plate rather than being balanced precariously in the centre, hoping that it makes it to the table without toppling over! I work with a good bunch of people and they're fun to be around but it would be nice to have a giggle in good company without being shown into the drawing room for liqueuers and after dinner mints feeling like you should have done a series of ladette to lady with the posh birds before you attended.

So, I'm about to watch them get in their taxis and then I'm taking the afternoon off and I'm going to take myself for a walk to try and clear my head and think about how I can fix myself before I end up in the dark depths of the depression that I've suffered once before and swore that I'd never get back to again. I won't. I just have some stuff to sort out before I can make myself feel better. I don't need help, I don't need to talk about everything with people who don't understand. I just need my family and friends to know that I'll get there. I'll pull myself out of it. I'll pick myself up and I'll get on with life as I know it and I'll get back to being me. In the meantime, I just need to be able to do that without feeling more guilt and more pressure because I can't share absolutely everything with them. I understand that I'm grumpy and bad tempered and unhappy... I have insight. If I didn't realise that then you could have me sectioned and shipped off to the Andrew Duncan. If I need help then I'll ask for it. I know you love me, I know you're there for me, I love you too. Just let me be, for now.

And finally, to everyone else, apologies for such a public sharing, it's not really my style but at the moment I seem unable to have a coherent phone conversation, far less any desire to see the people I love, or have them see me. It's not pretty.

Onwards and I hope upwards.

EDIT: I wrote this before I left the office this morning, before I'd even had my camera out of my bag and I wasn't planning to add to it when I got home. However, on leaving work I went into the cemetery to see my squirrels and Cheeky Chops was waiting for me, that lifted me a little. Then Donald, the man who works in the church came over for a blether, he said that someone had given him chocolates for Christmas and since he's not a fan and I seemed a little down, he'd like me to have them. It took me all my time to accept them graciously and not blub all over him. Just a really nice thing to do. Very kind.