A moving experience

Woke up bleary this morning with a hint of purple on my chin, a slight ringing in the ears and a whiff of barbecue fluid on the palate.

I'd have to say I wouldn't recommend Mckenzie's cask-aged Blended Scotch Meths as a celebratory tipple. All my memories of last night from about 9.30pm until I passed out in the cupboard under the sink are Dali-esque, violet-tinged dreamscapes full of rage, fear and bagpipes.

I'll be writing to the Scots Malt Meths Society to voice my displeasure but in the interest of impartial critique, I've taken the liberty of compiling a few tasting notes.

1: Appearance:
A promising first impression... the purple haze is well packaged and looks the part against paint-thinners at almost double the price. Filling a generous tumbler with this nectar I accidentally dripped a spot on the tabletop. Almost immediately, the varnish began to bubble and flake. Great!

2: Nose:
Pungent stuff. A hearty sniff would seem to confirm my initial excitement... I daresay I won't be needing that Remington nasal-hair trimmer for the next few months.

3: Agitate the dram:
Get a load of that rich purple colour. Swill it around and this drink sticks to the sides of your glass like keich in a sleeping bag - to say it has 'legs' would be a grave understatement!

4: First taste:
Wowzers. Audacious mouth feel and consistency. Fiery. Hints of standing open-mouthed beside the runway at Prestwick airport. A dash of that sausage on your barbie which fell through the grill and onto that bit of charcoal that wasn't hot enough yet but sat there until overcooked and still you ate it anyway, you beast. Overtones of 9-volt battery. Slightly oily. Flavour develops into a booming alkaline flourish like a hornet stinging your tonsil.

5: Down the hatch:
Was all set to jot down my reaction to what was shaping up to be a grandstand finish but unfortunately it was at this point that I lost my eyesight (along with several other high-order faculties) for a number of hours.

Ban this filth.





If I were a Simon and Garfunkel track, today I'd be The Boxer.

Lie la lie.