Horrible, awful

This day was all sorts of bad.

I started reading a book on preparing ones heart for intimate relationships as a part of the healing and learning process that I have been going through. Needless to say it really dug down deep to some issues I have constantly tried to ignore since the breakup. Thus, its beneficial but also painful. The realization I have come to is this: breaking a soul tie with another is a lot like getting a tattoo removed. It was meant to be there for life, but the unspeakable happened. Now you're being forced to remove apart of yourself, and its extraordinarily painful, and time-consuming. The healing process can take a long amount of time, and will inevitably leave scars. Dylan and I used to joke a lot about how we felt married, but in reality we both meant it. We had history together, we shared in deep suffering and rejoicing. We grew as individuals together in integral times of our lives. We said we wanted to be together forever and get married after 2 months of dating..... and here we are now...unable to barely look each other in the eye and hold conversation.

I did, I cried the whole morning because of that damn book. I thought by going to the show and having a positive experience while he was around would be attainable and healthy. The conversation was immeasurably awkward. He hates me, he is still hurting like me, and talking to me is like pulling teeth apparently. I just want to hug him and beg him to let us be friends again but obviously that's not an option. Knowing he hates me and that there is an unsettled peace between us causes me to lose sleep and tears. A lot of tears. I pray for him every day, and I hope he is healing from this.

I had to go into work at 10 pm, and thankfully Juste was working with me. I was at the point where I just wanted to hide in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. To make matters worse, a "friend" decided it was appropriate to grab my ass while asking for help with the lighter. Not great timing...that propelled me into an even deeper state of emotional instability. Murphy's law decided to uphold its standards by allowing rude and offensive male customers to come in and make degrading remarks to me. Having to work till 5 am just added to it all. Where are all the upstanding men? I am hurt and disappointed.

I want a big hug. I want men to stop treating me like trash. I want peace between Dylan and I. I want to heal from all that has happened. I want to be with my soul mate. Sometimes I wish I could fall and hit my head and lose my memory from the past 6 months. There is absolutely nothing about it that I care to remember.

Again I will ask, does it ever get easier?