alarming inconsistencies

An open letter to the manufacturers of baggy cycling shorts:

I suppose not all of you produce items solely for use on bicycles, nor indeed for use doing any sort of activity and sometimes apparently not even for use. It is still quite reasonable to expect that any item sold in a bicycle-equipment shop in close proximity to other bicycle-related clothing-stuffs with labels attached showing exciting action scenes of a bicycle-related nature next to the laughable price is intended for use in connection with bicycles.

You'd think.

Let us start with the means of fastening the clothing to the body. In all but a few cases from the samples suffered today there was some sort of front-fastening fly. In a pair of cycling baggies it would be reasonable to expect this to be durable, secure and able to withstand the rigours of constant twisting likely to be experienced by the back-and-forth action of the legs during the pedalling process. Why, then, do some of you consider a very very very thin strip of Velcro to be a suitable method of fly-closure? Those who use zips (thankfully in the majority though you might want to consider larger and sturdier zips rather than the fragile tiny-toothed things often seen) unfortunately tend to lose their way when the zip reaches the top; you fumble with inadequate press-studs which sometimes entirely fail to fasten and which are often re-opened automatically by the elastic you thought to install in the waistband. Also, if you are going to supply a belt with an item then it might be an idea to make it actually usable; none of these silly (albeit low-profile which seems to have been the overriding design parameter) slip-together devices have any use unless one plans to stand completely still whilst wearing the shorts and only breathing extremely shallowly for fear of putting any undue (or indeed any) strain on these 'buckles'. Manufacturers who opt for the click-together rucksack-style buckle are on the right general path but should perhaps move away from attempting to use as little plastic as possible in their devices so that if they choose to fasten the clothing label through part of the buckle that the thin plastic loop of the clothing-label-fastener is not the stronger of the two pieces of plastic just in case someone decides to rip the label away rather than cut it and discovers that they have ripped the buckle instead of the label-loop.

Secondly, pockets: a couple of remarkable exceptions had no pockets whatsoever; this is why I wear secondary baggies over the top of standard cycling shorts (as well as to avoid looking silly) - I need somewhere to keep my keys, phone, office entry pass, handkerchief and so on. I will generally carry less in short-pockets when on a bicycle than when walking but I still need to carry some things in my pockets and would therefore like them to stay therein. This is where some of you seem to have problems. Bicycle-shorts are likely to be mostly worn on a bicycle as we have already established. During the leg-motions peculiar to cycling each leg may find itself parallel to the ground. Pockets which allow things to fall from them at this point might therefore be considered of foolish design. Pockets which fasten closed might be a better idea and better still would be pockets which fasten closed with a zip (not a tiny little dab of Velcro, either side of which might sneak some contents) so that very important things such as keys or money stay in the pockets into which they are put, especially considering that things falling out of pockets whilst cycling might be several miles away by the time their absence becomes noted.

Providing every pocket with a zip might be a little laborious and costly but as long as a couple of pockets (such as the more vulnerable hip pockets) are so zipped then the cyclist would have somewhere secure to store vital objects. If you should add thigh pockets then do so but remember to add either a zip or possibly a sufficiently-secure closeable flap to prevent spillage and please bear in mind that during the pedalling action the frontal thigh-portion of the shorts will be pulled against the top of the leg and that pockets should be placed so that things in the pockets do not gouge large holes from the leg's upper surface with each pedal revolution. Rear pockets are not really a good idea on something to be worn whilst cycling; as you may be aware, bicycles feature seats on which a cyclist sits to pedal and storing things between the buttocks and seat often leads to unnecessary discomfort. Remember too the cycling position and the tilting of the leg away from the vertical. Short, unsealed pockets beneath the curve of the buttock might look rather fashionable to the low-slung-trouser brigade of modern times but they might be considered a rather severe waste of space in any situation other than standing upright, being very still and watching the pocket carefully to ensure the contents do not jump out. If you must have rear pockets then please take care to mount them slightly to the side and possibly to angle the opening so that it points upwards and forwards rather than backwards and downwards. If you are unsure of the direction in which gravity operates then hold something heavy up in front of you, release it and study the direction in which it travels to the floor.

There is also the general shape and cut of shorts to consider; bearing in mind that these products are worn instead of or in addition to padded cycling shorts they need not be skin-tight. Whilst some cyclists do fret about reducing their aerodynamic drag anyone even contemplating purchasing and wearing baggy shorts is unlikely to be amongst those who shave their legs to decrease their wind resistance. The shorts should be sufficiently loose as to permit the addition of items to the pockets without introducing intolerable strains upon the fabric. The construction should ensure that the portion of the garment in contact with the cycle seat is sturdy enough to withstand the unusual stresses occasioned by the constant motions of pedalling. Please also think for a moment about the dimensions of the wearer; cyclists keen enough to purchase clothing specific to their mode of travel might be likely to be sufficiently healthy to not be unnecessarily obese but might also own pehaps buttocks and particularly thighs of a size suited to their usage and function (long-range high-speed human-powered mechanical propulsion). Whilst you should not build clothing too baggy so that the wearer slides around inside them you should at least permit some movement and airflow and refrain from a cut which somehow combines excessive size in some regions yet constriction in others in the same garment no matter how great the temptation.

Should you be somehow able to overcome the barriers of fastening, pockets and construction to create a baggy short which is comfortable, securely-fastenable, sturdy, spacious yet snug and generally rather wearable then do please try not to randomly redesign it year after year (Endura, please pay attention) so that someone purchasing a replacement pair in the same size as the item they purchased three years ago (which is still wearable but for an unfortunate failure of the zips on two pockets and the fly) does not find that the short is unwearably small and must be returned to the vendor (at unnecessary expense and to the slight but unfortunate financial gain of the Royal Mail) despite being of the exact same model in the exact same alleged size.

I remain etc.,

wingpig