Bare Essentials

I over think things. All things. Everything. Perhaps that's why my photography sucks so bad, because I'm not able to let go enough and be free so that I can capture things that aren't so regimented and stiff.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I looked down at the mess in front of me. This mess. Little canisters of brilliant color spread all around my bathroom counter, wands of brushes each used for a different purpose. Foundation, eyes, blush, lips. I use the brushes and drop them and they stay where they land. I move on to the next task at hand and leave a disaster just like this every stop I take. It was this way getting out of the house this morning, and the morning before and last night and the night before that. My house is trashed.

Time. I need time. I need things to slow down. I'm one person, yet have the tasks of ten.

I prayed for help, I wanted stability, maybe just an extra hand so that everything wasn't so hard. That my daughter would get the attention she needed, the dad she longed for. The mom who could be present a little more than just to get homework done and to fight about brushing teeth and taking showers. It didn't work, the father, partner, helper we all looked for has been sick on my couch for a week. Not just flu sick, death sick, organ failing sick. He should be in the hospital, but refuses, so we all tiptoe around the messy house. Eating meals standing over the stove. Rushing out the door to the next obligation making sure that when we close the door we don't wake him.

I continue to over think things. I try to figure out what I can do to change the situation. I wonder if it is better that he is on our couch, with the people he loves, than sitting in a house alone in Arizona. On a human level, do I owe him this because I am a kind, loving and compassionate person?

I have no answers today. I'll continue to think.