Crushed...

...that I couldn't attend this weekend's blip meet.
...that I let some people down, myself included.
...that I let nerves get in the way of my life again.

I'm Sorry!

I'm a shy person, perhaps abnormally shy. I'm the person that stands in the corner at parties nursing a drink or befriending the family pet and wishing the clock would move faster. I'm the person people think is slightly aloof because I have very little to say and seems dismissive with one word replies and doesn't get "involved" in conversations. The truth is I'm normally just scared out of my wits.

I don't know why. It really isn't me and for anyone who does get to know me, there's probably a big part of them would wish I would go and stand in the corner or shut up because I'm not like that with people I know. And there's the crux of the matter. The Catch-22 of the situation. In a nutshell.

When I joined blip I was overjoyed at meeting such wonderful folks as yourselves and I can honestly say that I've been so lucky in the friendships that I've struck up here. But for me, it is both a blessing and a curse. Put a screen and a couple million miles of cable between me and reality and I can be more myself, but of course, it doesn't help when reality comes calling. And it came calling this weekend. Big time.

I was so looking forward to this weekend, but as time moved on and reality dawned, so my nerves took over once again. I thought our mutual love of photography would get me through, but even that wasn't enough to quell my demons. I know this sounds overly dramatic and in all probability it is, but its what happens in my head, especially when large groups of new people are involved.

It's nuts and I hate it and I'm sure if I was a child today I'd be getting rushed into all sorts of counselling to deal with my issues, but the truth of the matter is I'm 41-years old with the social skills of a... Heh, even my 7-year old cousin and my folks neighbour's 4-year old daughter have more confidence!

I did think about having a blip break (in fact I already told some people I was) but I realised I'd hate myself even more for that. So instead this is a purge. A nice, safe over the interweb, but still public purge. Hopefully the start of some form of acceptance rather than another round of denial for me, but for all of you, just an apology for now.

I'm not inviting comments but from past experience I know it's pointless turning them off too, so I won't! ;- )

I'm feeling low just now so while I'll still keep track of your journals I might not be as chatty for a while - hahaha, probably like a day or so - but please bear with me!