Barsoom

So I re-created Mars for today's Blip as I was off to watch 'John Carter of Mars' have a bit of a scrap there. And boy, was I in for a treat!

I don't know if everyone else has been hearing the same thing I did before the film, so I'll summarise it a bit like this:
Major film critics: "yah, boo, yawn, pffftt, ick!"
Folks I know: "f**k yeah!", "John Carter of AWESOME!"

This is actually quite unusual given most of the folks I hang around with in terms of cinema buddies usually are never so much the polar opposite to the critics, but this time it's actually a full-on "screw the critics!" movement - and it's not just me or my friends, it's seems to be everyone who wasn't paid to watch the film! So I'll give it a brief review first, mostly to avoid spoilers (there'll be some), and leave you to make up your mind which camp you want to join (join me and my friends, we have cookies!).

The plot is a little daunting and maybe that's why the critics have been so harsh about it - after all if a 'blockbuster' is defined by more recent films all you apparently need is explosions and CGI for two hours. JCM doesn't entirely replace this, after all Andrew Stanton cut his teeth with CGI for Pixar, but I tell you something his CGI creations do have compared to some others - life - and thanks to some brilliant casting some real depth of emotion. There's also a great soundtrack to enjoy from Michael Giacchino, and also I should point out after my last statement that the non-CGI actors are also great - props to the leads (both Wolverine alumni) and a well-deserved nod to James Purefoy in what looks to be a throwaway role that gives him a great moment to enjoy. So all-in-all it's a well-acted, well-crafted and most importantly fun film - I recommend it to all.

So here's my take on the basic story, which is the polar opposite of 'basic' - the film opens with a young Edgar Rice Burroughs being summoned to the estate of his recently deceased uncle and receiving his diary.

The diary kicks starts the main story, that of John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), a former Confederate soldier who's become a prospector in Arizona but finds himself on the run from some Union soldiers nonetheless. Trapped in a cave he finds a mysterious inscription and before you can say "Barsoom"* he suddenly awakes in a dusty desert - but it's not Arizona and within a few minutes you'll realise it's definitely no desert anywhere on Earth. Soon he's leaping in mighty bounds and in no time he's come across the first of many new races, the four-armed Tharks led by Tars Tarkas (Willem Defoe) - and while it's never really clear if he's a prisoner or an ally (he escapes too many times for either!) it's apparent that to them John Carter is special.

Soon he's away from the Tharks, drawn into the conflict between the Heliums and the Zodangans** and being used (in a brilliantly strong role for Lynn Collins) by Princess Dejah Thoris as a weapon in her own struggle - or at least that's how it starts, until she starts to believe that this strange white "ape" may really Ciarán Hindsbe from the mythical, sea-covered world of Jarsoom***. In an attempt to end the war the Princess's father (Ciarán Hinds on top form) arranges for her marriage to the leader of the Zodangans (Dominic West, sneering brilliantly) and when Carter goes to prevent it he finally discovers the truth behind the conflict - that it's all being arranged by the mysterious Thearns (led by Mark Strong, also sneering fantastically) in a bid to drain the resources of Barsoom, before eventually moving on to Jarsoom.

Well, John Carter's having none of that. Helped by the most awesome mega-puppy in existence, the marvellous CGI creation Woola, and Sola (Samantha Morton) John Carter rejoins the Tharks and, after meeting up with some real white apes****, leads his four-armed army in an attack on the Zodangans and the Fearns to stop their plan.

And after all that, it ends where it picks up, with a young Edgar Rice Burroughs reading his uncle's journal.

See what I mean about anything but basic?


*this is a lie, it takes about as long it takes to say "Barsoom".
**some critics have complained about the silly names, let's just point out how normal Tattoine, Na'avi and Spock sound, shall we?
***my favourite part of the film - that seas are a myth to the people of Mars - excellent!
****the ones that have been horrifically featured in the campaign - don't get me wrong, they're awesome, but they're a blip (hee) in the film - not the finale!