Self-Tanning Lotion: Not So Great, Actually

It happens every year: It's early spring. You know you have to get your legs out and show them off sometime. It's been a long winter. Your legs haven't seen sunlight in several months. They are pale as a ghost. You are embarrassed.

So you go to the store and you buy some self-tanning lotion. Yeah, sure, the tube says it will look natural: an all-over healthy-looking tan. Right. Somehow it goes on . . . orange. Really orange. It almost seems to . . . glow.

You try rubbing it out. You try scrubbing it out. No luck. Orange gams, it is! So out and about you go, pretending everything is normal when it's not.

Your family members, if they consent to be seen with you, hide their heads so nobody will know them. They may even whistle nonchalantly, pretending they do not know you.

The others may pretend not to notice, but secretly they do. You know they notice. You all try to pretend otherwise.

And that's when you say - Thank Goodness! - that at least you didn't put any on your face!!!