Might Shite

Ring Ring (I'm at my dinner)

"Hi, can I speak with Mr McLaughlin please"

"Yes, this is he"

"Hi, Mr McLaughlin, I'm the Environmental health officer for Edinburgh City Council.
You'll have heard from your Doctor or someone at the hospital?"

"Yes"

"The sample you gave has shown the same result as your brother."

"The same sample that was insufficient? Yes, she has phoned. Funny how it became sufficient when my brother's sample showed up E.Coli."

"We understand you have a young son."

"Yes"

"How old is he?"

"He's 4."

Jacob: "I'm 4 and a half."

"He's 4 and a half."

"Ok, well if it's convenient we'd like to come round and see you this evening, maybe in the next half hour, and go through some questions about the last couple of weeks. We also require a stool sample from your son. Do you think we could get it this evening?"

"Well, he might be able to but I don't.."

"Well, you see, we really must get one from him to see that he is clear of having the bug. We really hoped to get one this evening."

"C'mon mate - he's no a performing seal - he doesnae shit on call. He might, he might not"

"Ok, sorry, yes, I understand. We'll see you shortly."


30 minutes later and the shit-detectives arrive. One has a stab-proof vest on (he's on call tonight and is just chaperoning health-scientist-fella to the house - for him, a Friday night normally consists of stopping loud-music at parties that is breaking permitted sound levels or summat like that).

I have to list everything we ate up North on holiday - the guy in the vest is laughing with me at the absolute over-indulgence of the meals and luxuries (not a normal week of food, I add).

The whole interview nearly over, Jacob comes and sits next to us on the couch. The dog is sniffing about the guy's bag. Out of the blue the wee man places this on the couch. It catches the eye of both of them. They double take and then I see what they're looking at. Moyra bursts out laughing "Jacob! - Sorry folks, don't worry it's his fake turd not the dog".

"Is that his sample then?" asks the guy in the vest, laughing.

I wondered to myself if the wee man was half-joking and half thinking this would be sufficient for his sample.




(It were the mussels we picked by the way - only 2 outta 6 got fucked up - even then the chances were so remote)