black jersey dress

number 20.

Bought for my Granda's funeral. I had another black dress but I needed something I could breastfeed from, and also that fitted.

My Granda's death was a very traumatic time. More for people around me than for me. There was a huge family fall out which has not been mended almost 3 years on. Out of all the important people to me who have died I found my Granda's the easiest to deal with.

He was very healthy. I had noticed him becoming irritable and on one occasion very frustrated with my Grandma (who, at the time, had undiagnosed Alzheimer's) but he was looking after my her- out shopping on his bike about 5 weeks before his death. Then he took to his bed and said his goodbyes. I went up to visit him and he said that was him and he didn't want any tears. He had written a speech for the minister for his funeral.

I came down for a visit and my Aunt was there with her 3 kids (I was there with my one 6 month old and a friend who I had brought down for a visit) there was horrible tension in the air so I stayed outside in the sunny garden. My Granda had made it out of bed to see his daughter and my Grandma had come in out of the sun to be with them but she seemed keen to get back to her garden and the children.

She never got to go back to the children. She didn't ever see my Granda again while she was lucid (she did see him once or twice, but I don't think she knew and he was in pain). Before that day they hadn't been away from the house for maybe 10/ 15 years. She never went back.

She got up in a hurry to see the children and get to the garden and fell and broke her hip. My Granda remained in bed, was taken to hospital days later, was diagnosed with cancer and died in a week.

I got to see him after he died. I think this helped me a lot. When my Great Gran died when I was 11 (the second death I was aware of, the first I attended the funeral for) I expected to see her. I had thought the coffin would be open. I found it very hard that I didn't get to see her. when I tried to talk about this I was met with horror as if I had said something awful. Other deaths- my Great Granda's a few months later which I wasn't even told about, or allowed to go to the funeral, my cousin's, my mum's cousin, my great uncle, my great aunt, I have found very difficult. But this death wasn't difficult. He said goodbye. I saw him when he was gone.

The funeral was tough though. My mum and my aunt were struggling with another aunt. There were huge family fights. They were horrified to find my aunt (the one who had visited the house) was going to take her 3 young children (1,4,5 years old). Why shouldn't she? I though. Why shouldn't they be allowed to grieve for their Granda? The fall out was that it was made clear to me I was not allowed my daughter with me. I battled and she was allowed to sit with her father at the back of the church. It was awful. I was sat right in front of another aunt and her fostered babies. And along form my aunt and her kids but the most important person in my life wasn't there. She wasn't there cuddling me, chatting away as 6 month olds do. She was at the back.

I strongly disagree that children shouldn't be exposed to death. They don't understand in the same way as an adult but we all understand if differently, I don't believe they aren't traumatised by it. If anything they are probably traumatised by the living adults. Maybe that is it, maybe other adults don't want children there so they can grieve however they need to, without worrying about the effect on a child.

Either way. I wanted her with me.

I've worn the dress since. It is soft and stretchy and comforting.