Day ninety-five: changing gears

Today, I realized something. I have been feeling restless and uneasy for a while now. I couldn't name it. Today, I can name IT, which is empowering: I am genuinely frightened of change!

Last year, I felt like the little snow globe of my life was shaken. Things that I thought were secured were disrupted. My family changed by both death and marriage. My friends, and those who I considered friends, changed and showed their true colors. And then there was the whole thing of being dumped by a guy who said he wanted to marry me. My whole life changed and flipped. I had to learn a whole new way to get up and view things. I didn't like it, not one bit. But got up, I did. Changed, I did. Stronger, I became.

Now, I feel really quite good and secure in who I am, so why all this unease, dangit?! Well, I had a job opening plopped in my lap. It is a librarian position at a university that I had always held as my ideal. The problem? Well, it is for a job that I really am not interested in.

I have gone on two dates with a guy who seems really nice. As a relationship, it might have some potential. He might also rip my heart out. I really like my current job, but it will probably change in the next couple of months. It could become better, and it could also become much worse.

All of these possibilities have me at unease, dis-ease. On my way home, I realized that I am genuinely afraid of having my little snow globe shaken again. Even though the potentials might offer chances for growth, they necessitate change that I don't know that I want. The new potential jobs could be great, or they could really stink. This new possibility of a relationship could blossom or devastate me. I do not like this feeling of potential change, of staring at a precipice again. Only this time, I get to choose whether I jump ... no one is going to push me and watch me fall.

I do not like this place that I am in. I want it to, well, change; and ain't that a bitch?!