Tab time.

This morning I headed out to the Garden because my mum's gone on holiday with my sister and my dad isn't home till 8. This deemed it a perfect time for my first tab of the day.

Of course, I took my camera because the dull light was what I was going for with today's blip. So here it is. My outfit was; Vans, Tattoo style tights, with my favourite boxers over the top, and a plain t-shirt. It may seem an odd combination, but as i'm not going out today, i'm content.

I hope to see Bethan tomorrow, it's been an age since we've been with eachother outside of school, when It gets to this point I just feel like utter shit. I'm going to ring the doctors today to book an earlier appointment, so I can tell him i've made up my mind.

I might go and see Jess and Lesley later if they are doing anything. However being alone at home with my cat and my blaring music, is actually really nice.

Tomorrow's blip will be in the style of Brighde Swan, so check out her blog and then you can compare. It would have been today's, but i'd already sorted my blip, and i'm oddly proud of it. I like the way it turned out.

Yesterday I got baked with Dean and Callum and lots of others, including the year 11 lasses who are ever so lovely, and I managed to get my paws on 20 Lambert, so I am happy today.

~

I can't fucking do this anymore. i can't sit here trying to be something
when i'm always going to be NOTHING. Why is it that every time I am happy it gets torn to shreds, I want to be good enough for her but she won't have it. I bet she doesn't even love me. Why would she, i'm just a fucking PAIN. I just bug her and piss her off and her life's no better with me in it. Fuck this. Fuck it all, I either need to die, right now, no questions. I'm sick of living anyway, or for her to want me around. Why am I lied to every fucking day, do you not love me? Do you not? Because if you don't then just fucking tell me. So I can get the fuck away from here. I'm done i'm done i'm done. I'm angry and upset and fucking beyond lonely. I doubt you'll ever want me, now that you know who and what i am. Disgusting and unwanted. This is the first time that I REFUSE to beat about the bush on my blip. This is the truth. I am terrified and it's rotting me from the inside out. I'm sick of not being loved, properly. Told regularly, hugged genuinely and needed. Fuck my life, i'm just a shell. A Shell full of hatred and dispair. In my mind I am long since dead. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.