Day ninety-eight: these are holy hands

To say that this weekend was transformational is an understatement. I hope and pray that I can journey forward and continue on this path.

We sang many songs this weekend, but one of the songs we sang was "Holy Ground." It was a song I had never head before. The idea that my hands could be holy was, well, unthought-of. Wow.

We received a cross today that was singular to us pilgrims from this weekend. It was made by a blacksmith in Louisiana, by hand and hammer. It is so very precious to me.

On my ride three-hour ride home, I called my mom and talked through what I had experienced. As I was talking, I realized something. I have been working so very hard on this journey to wholeness. So. Very. Hard. I have pulled myself up by my bootstraps. I have gone to therapy. I have walked away from toxic people and have listened to my gut regarding the new people who have come into my life. I have listened and been hyper aware. I have tried so very hard to be healthy in filling this hole.

I watched a lot of Fame reruns last year, but I still have over 80 recorded episodes on my DVR. I will be getting a new DVR this week, which means that all my unwatched episodes will be lost. I know that this sounds ridiculous, but I panicked. I could not possibly watch all 80 episodes before Wednesday morning. What would I do? I did not want to lose these things that had given me comfort, made me feel loved, and reminded me of better, younger times. Things that had helped me to fill this hole that was ripped open in my heart.

As I was driving home and talking to my mom, something hit me: I cannot possibly fill this hole: only He can. I wept.

This weekend, one man (Jerry), just held my hand and me and let me weep. It was so very freeing to let go of my anger and pain in a safe place. I was becoming whole.

I felt so loved in a state that I have come to be hardened to. It was transformational. I no longer feel alone. I feel like I have a community. I feel loved on such a profound level.

I want to use these hands to help others, to love others.

"It's fresh like spring. I want to sing. I want to pass it on."