kids of today

What yer wanna know?

I'm Lily, I've got eight legs, I was born like this, its sort of genetic, me mum, she had eight legs too.

How old? Don't ask, I fink i'm abart twenty in spider years, me mam and me we don't talk much, don't know where she is to be honest, I've mostly brought myself up, haven't I, yeah since me Dad took off.

Neighbours, don't talk to me about neighbours, bleddy know alls, on the phone to the social abart me all the time, just cos i was trapping flies, well its natural innit? you catch them and sort a paralyse 'em and then they hang up in the old web for a day or two, bleddy neighbours think their better than us, bleddy daddy long legs and that soddin' nest of caterpillers.

Job? nah, ain't never had a job, what for, theres nothing round here for likes of me, did'nt do school much, wasn't anyfink they could teach me, but I got all me certifircats before I left, didn't I? Web construction, silk weaving, all that stuff.
Do all day? Well I just sort of hang don't I? Bin worse since I've had this egg thing, nah we didn't have no classes on family planning and that, well none that meant anything to me anyway, was all abart balloons and bananas.

Yeah I got pregnant about a month ago, expecting quads (x10), I love it, love my little eggy weggy don't I?

I 'ad to eat the kids dad after he done it to me, well he was a c--p lay and well runty like, (a poor lover and an inadequate male, ED), so a'm going to be a single mum.

See my Dad, that was a man that was, I remember how he used to come home at Christmas, bit tipsy on the old honey juice. Butterfly in one leg, couple of bluebottles under another. Gawd what a laff , specially when they started dancing, so light on his feet, my old mam used to laugh. He went aht one day and never came back, we told him not to tease they blackbirds but would he listen, not him, swinging around on his bleddy cord, showin' off.

I don't know where I'll end up, me mates got a real nice place at the back of the coal hole, all dusty and dark like , she says I can move in with her, but I don't know, she's only just arht the nick from eating her cousins kids and I wouldn't want to put temptation....

Am I Happy ? Me? Yeah suppose, just hang abaht here in the crack between the door and the stone arch, wasn't no body bothers me till that b....rd come poking at me with his bit of ivy, I'll have him one day, you see if I don't.