Why I need the planner

My day hasn't been the greatest.

Played a bunch of Dragon Age Inquisition on multiplayer. It's fun, but there were a ton of idiots that kept getting us all killed. Then the servers were glitching and a lot of experience was lost. That was frustrating as hell.

Then when we finally got together a good group and the glitches weren't as bad, something got in my eye and I was forced to stop playing so I could get my eye washed out and give it a rest. It's still really bothering me, but not as bad as this morning.

After a couple hours I was finally able to fall asleep, but my sleep was uncomfortable and full of nightmares. I woke up from the worst one about two and a half hours ago. It was so bad that I had a very severe panic attack and had to find Nova and just hold him and sob for a good forty minutes before I was self-aware enough to take a valium from my emergency stash. (B's at work. If he were home he'd have gotten me a valium much sooner than that.)

So since today was worse than usual, I figured I'd show you all my daily torture.

There are actually more meds that I need but can't get a doctor to prescribe me for various reasons, the "you didn't go to medical school so you can't possibly know your own body as well as I do" attitude being one of the biggest reasons. (Which is a lot worse here in El Paso. I didn't have nearly this much trouble in Kansas City. I also have personal experience with the drugs I need and know that they really do help me.) Ease of access (living in a state that hates opioids even when properly used, and it being almost impossible to get muscle relaxers and valium - which is technically a muscle relaxer but also has other popular uses) being another big issue. There are five other medications that should be in this pile but aren't. When I used to have those other five medications, my quality of life was significantly improved. I could actually almost function like a normal human being.

This bunch of pills does not include my inhaler, nebulizer treatments, or the other various pills and such that I have to take when I'm feeling even more under the weather than usual. I always feel sick. Always. I can't remember a single day in my twenty-five years of being alive that I wasn't in pain and feeling sick.

To put my daily routine into perspective?

I have alarms that go off for every medication dose that is required. These alarms go off at 1am, 3am, 9am, 3pm, 5pm, and 9pm. Sometimes I also have to set two additional alarms for 1pm and 5pm. Sometimes I can turn off my 1am and 5pm alarms depending on how I'm feeling.

That's a lot to keep track of. Hence why I need a planner to keep track of it. So I can remember if I actually took my meds or not. I could just use a notebook, but then I would lose track of what day of the week and month it is. So by using a planner, it's much easier for me to remember what day it is.

This is my reality.

Sorry for the depressing personal post. This is a part of my life that most people don't understand and they're very judgemental about it.

Everyone here on blipfoto has been so wonderful to me, I figured I could share this part of my life without being attacked and called names for once. (Even some doctors do that to me, but refuse to try to help me find alternatives.)

I hope you're all having a much better day than I am.

I love you all. Please take care.

Crown the Empire -- Initiation -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY17Rg0ppKw

"I keep waiting in this dark for someone to come and save me
And I've been holding on to something I can never change
We all search for higher ground
When the world comes crashing down
But I know
Nobody will come into the dark and save me"