Four Squares At Last!

Work on this blanket has been slower than I'd like. It's not actually my gaming that's been slowing me down (it's never slowed me down before) but rather, I've just been having trouble crocheting lately.

I'm using a hook smaller than I usually use. I almost always use an N, and in some projects I use even bigger (the two you can only get in plastic, I can't remember their sizes, but the blue one is as big as a turkey baster) so that's very uncomfortable for me. One of the reasons why I use such large hooks is because of the arthritis in my hands.

So I'm rather miffed with myself over how slowly this blanket has been going, since I haven't been working on my other blankets in the making lately, there's really no excuse except for my hands hurting. If I could get some competent pain management in this God-forsaken city, I don't think this would be an issue right now. Which just adds to my extreme frustrations with my state of health right now.

And now Blipfoto has made a big change. It's making me feel really self-conscious. Today's blip was almost a Dear Blipfoto post, but I decided I didn't want to write it out by hand right now.

Unlike a lot of people earlier today, I'm not freaking out about the change. I think it's way too soon to determine whether or not Blipfoto has sold out. Honestly, I don't think they have. I think they're trying to grow the community so this amazing community expands. So other people out there can find this amazing, wonderful place and find all the positivity and love and support that this place has to offer that pretty much nowhere else  does.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling very self-conscious about this. In the video, the emphasis was placed on people telling their story. I feel like my story isn't worth telling. It makes me wonder why so many of you do follow me and respond to my blips and interact with me.

I mean, I'm a twenty-five year old male shut-in with horrible health. All I have to offer you is blips of my three cats, my crocheting, some of the jewellery I make, the handful of nice journals I have, and an occasional (and rare) photo taken from outside my house.

My past is filled with abuse and severe depression. My present is full of incompetent "health care providers" (in quotations because they don't really provide anything but frustration and 'I AM GOD' attitudes) and extreme homesickness and depression. I'm a very hurt person that's struggling to heal both emotionally and physically and failing miserably at both.

I feel like my story isn't worth telling at all. I mean, don't you find my life boring at all?

Why do you care?

I'm not complaining at all, please understand that. I'm just dealing with a panic attack and unfortunately this topic bled into it. It's part of my panic attacks about how I haven't been able to make any real friends the last couple years. No one wants a sick friend, or they want to be praised for taking the time out of their lives to be a sort-of friend to a sick person.

The last four years here in El Paso have made me wonder what the hell I have to offer to anyone in the way of friendship. Obviously not much, because I can't make any.

If you'd asked me what kind of friend I was before I moved here, I would've answered that I'm blunt but loving, and fiercely loyal if you treat me with respect and common decency. I would've said that I can be stubborn, but I do admit when I'm wrong, however if there was a fight that I need time to calm down and feel better before I can admit that I'm wrong because the emotions involved in fighting with friends are exhausting.

I would've answered that I protect the people I love as best I can. My body is limited, but I've managed to protect people before, and if need be, I can still protect them. I'd've also said that I was the kind of friend that's a real stickler for the rules, but still manages to have fun, without being reckless. I don't often feel sorry for someone that gets hurt while purposely being reckless, but I'd still help them tend to any persisting injuries that they may need help with.

If you asked me now? My answer would be that I'm sick, weird, and probably pretty boring.

Sorry for rambling on. It kinda helped with my anxiety attack.

We haven't taken the boys to see Lincoln yet. We're gonna try to do that over the weekend.

There's a chance that we'll get snow over the weekend. I miss it so so very much. Please keep your fingers crossed that we get snow.

Take care everyone.