A Special Place

I may have  mentioned once or twice that this is where Mr K and I first met. Right in front of the door.
I had an appointment today at the Churchill Hospital in Oxford for an ultrasound on my neck.
A couple of weeks before we went away before Christmas I found a lump in my neck and went to the GP who said it was probably an inflamed lymph node which should go down in a few weeks.
Should.
If it didn't she could refer me for an ultrasound.
I lasted a week before going back in.
During that week I couldn't eat. Literally couldn't eat a thing which is completely out of character. I have never lost my appetite before and it was actually quite scary. I had to force myself to eat soup and yoghurt feeling stuffed and sick after a couple of mouthfuls. Had to choke it down knowing I needed some energy to look after the Little Misses.
And all the while becoming more convinced that the lump in my neck was just secondary and the real problem was a huge tumour in my stomach which meant I couldn't eat....
Whilst at the same time knowing it was just anxiety.....
And round and round and round.
The GP was very reassuring when I went back in and also took bloods and referred me for an ultrasound.
Gradually my appetite came back (and I reached my target at Fat Club having lost half a stone in two weeks!) and I waited for the lump to go away.
It hasn't. But today the ultrasound confirmed it is just a swollen lymph node.
I cried all the way to Oxford listening to Woman's Hour . Kate Gross died of colon cancer on Christmas Day leaving five year old twin boys. She spent the last year of her life writing a book for her sons. It's called Late Fragments - Everything I want to tell you. She had been due to be on the programme herself talking about it but instead her Mother stepped in, speaking so movingly and eloquently and lovingly about her daughter and her grandsons.
I kept telling myself the lump was nothing but couldn't shake the thought - the terror - of leaving my daughters to grow up without me. Without a mum.
I sat down in the waiting room and opened my book. I hadn't even read a paragraph before my name was called. Ten minutes early!
The radiologist took what felt like hours and then stopped abruptly and snapped "it's just a lymph node"
He seemed quite cross with me for wasting his time.
Because clearly I had burst in off the street and demanded an ultrasound on my neck because I had nothing else to do with my morning!
I was annoyed.
But more relieved!
And in and out so quickly I didn't even have to pay for parking!
Rather than going straight home I headed to the Jericho Café for a celebratory cup of tea and slice of spectacularly tasty apricot and lemon flapjack. Diet be damned!