Lost.

Im sorry I havent uploaded in so long Ive just been so busy with exams.

Everythings pretty awful at the minute. My emotions are all over the place and im constantly thinking about horrible things. I cant sleep at night because my mind wanders off into dark places. My arms covered in the remnants of past pains and hurtful thoughts. I guess I've tried to stop self harming for Josh anyway. Our relationships going wrong at the minute its so painful to see it hurts me. Its all my fault because I cant control my emotions. one minute in stupidly happy then my mood just flips. It hurts even more that he doesnt understand me...I dont understand me. Atleast not at the minute. I just want to be myself again. I just want to be happy like I used to be. I want to be the funny outgoing person I was. I want to joke and have friends and be able to do things on the weekend and talk about my problems to people who wont think im the worlds biggest attention seeker. Im not at all Ive just ran out of idea's on what I should do. Im sick of feeling so fucking worthless and as though no one really needs me and therefore its not nessicery for me to be here anymore. Nothing brings me joy anymore not even art... and at the minute im just lying to myself pretending to be happy ignoring the fact that all sharp objects seem far too appealing. I promised I wouldnt do that. And I just did I broke a promise and I hate myself for it. I dont know what I can do to make this all go away..Sometimes I just come home and sleep because it's less painful than having to face reality. My headphones and Ipod are my best friends because they help me block out the outside world...I really need advice and help Im so fucking lost Ive given up I guess...Im so scared of being alone.