New beginnings

This is a photo of an orchid that my student, Kim, gave me last spring and I have gotten it to re bloom! I am very proud of our teamwork, orchid and me :)

I have just completed this year's evaluation at work. Some of you may remember last year's epic. This year is not so comprehensive, which is nice, but also made it clear that teaching no longer, if it truly ever did, embraces my skill set. I am not a linear thinker. I fly. I leap with associative thoughts, I connect dots and make new creations, but it's not productive educationally (my words not my supervisor's). I must take time with the children to discover who they are, what makes them tick, begin to dance in their rhythm alongside or behind, not so much leading as embracing, celebrating, observing. Observing not only what they cannot demonstrate,  but what delights them, frightens or bores them. What are they telling me with their choices, their gaze? This sounds all very romantic and dear but it is not practical, there is no time for simply 'being' with a child. But that is who I am. I cannot seem to work efficiently any other way.

Over the last 16 years I have learned a HUGE amount about data collection, observation, I can break a task down into teeny eatable components which I never would have thought to do before. I have learned patience, I have seen joy and I have had the most roller coaster ride of highs and lows with students and parents as we walked, most often crawled, together towards intensely specific, measurable, accountable goals, and I am grateful for this! And for the income and the people I have met. And for my tiny, silly, brilliant students that have smiles that glow with appeal.

But I have lost my joy. Or maybe I have found that I have lost my joy, it's possible that I lost it long ago, I'm not sure. But what matters is that I want it back. I want to spend my days experiencing this moment rather than planning for tomorrow's moments. I want to go home at night and delight in reading a book or watching a movie or lying next to Lewis on the floor matching his breathing. I don't have the time for Lew or my father or energy for friends. Work hunches and haunts on my shoulders continuously and always finds me lacking. My experience in education does not value the qualities God filled me with and I have tried and tried and tried to amend myself to produce what they require but at each turn I find myself more lost. And filling with self condemnation for my lack. I am unhappy at work,  and I am at the point at which I truly do not know what my strengths are any longer. The children and I seem to be lost in the paperwork, the measuring, the focus on curriculum content and we can't reach each other anymore. 

I am going in tomorrow and quietly say that I will not return next year. There is a great deal to do, selling my house for one, but unless I am fooling myself, I believe God is behind me on this one so I am trusting His lead.
A nice quiet job without constant microscopic judgement. And walking with my head held up, regaining some confidence in my worth as a human being~when did my job begin to determine my worth?

Please wish me well :) I look forward to increased blipping when my life opens up and fills with experiences I can share. Deep thanks to my lovely friend, Chrysanthemum of the Trains, for gifting me a life time membership!~a lifeline more than you know :) xo