locked in the amber of aloneness

Since I’ve been single – five years now – I’ve lived mostly in a haze of unfulfilled expectation.  As time has worked its logic on my body, it seems that nothing real is destined to happen. I seek unattainable women, I shy away from others that may actually be interested in me. All this does is keep me locked in this amber of aloneness.
 
I know that the problem is me. I fantasise about women who are too young, too attached or just too out of my league because at a very deep part of me I recognize that nothing will ever become of it. Then I shy away from women who actually show an interest because something might actually happen, and perhaps I’m afraid of what this will be.
 
Take this lass. Seen from the bus, standing at the tube station waiting on someone. When I see her my head starts writing “stories of Us”. What we’ll say, what we’ll do, our intimate life, the places we’ll go together, how she’ll be with my kids. All this in a fleeting glimpse as the bus is briefly stationary. Then off it goes and she is gone. Except for the fine times we are having together in my mind as the bus continues to its destination. Even when I’m off the bus, cooking dinner perhaps, we’re still having a wonderful time together. There, in my kitchen, amber lit and dreaming on my lonesome. There, but not really there.
 
My best friend wrote a song about this very thing. It’s called If She Gets On My Train … and is a piece of Pop brilliance.