ROLL OUT THE BARREL

They say government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor. Well, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a trash truck at 100 yards. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an jerk. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to put a sock in your mouth.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other people without spitting. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.