Please release me...

So, after a week of begging for the ransom to be paid, you coughed up the pathetic magnificent sum of £72, two shillings and a couple of bags of Maltesers!!! You're marvellous.

However, the kidnapper was so sick of me anyway, that he let me go with the money, and I was planning a lovely evening out with your donations....

But.... on returning home tonight at half six, I couldn't get one of my front door keys to work, and had to call out an emergency locksmith. After an intense interrogation (seriously, I think he now knows everything about me except my bra size) he managed to release the lock, and informed me that I'd put the snib up when I left on Monday.

He then relieved me of....yes, £72...and drove away laughing.

I think I need another holiday....